Wild Oak Cottage

Epiphany Blessings

2012-01-06T11:36:00.000-08:00

It really has been a while since I updated here... classes were just wrapping up for the semester and papers were writing me. Advent was still in full swing. Now it is past Christmas and we are celebrating the Feast of the Epiphany.

Advent ended with a celebratory collapse as the last of my papers were turned in and I looked ahead to the visit of my parents over Christmas. I spent the first couple of days sitting in a chair doing a whole lot of not much as I accustomed myself to not be staring into the computer screen for the majority of my day. Then there was the whirlwind of catching up on little things around the house that I had let go over the final couple of weeks of the semester and the arrival of my parents and their cat Juniper for a much anticipated visit. We spent our time exploring the great outdoors and then curling up to be cozy indoors, which was Juniper's favorite part. It was quite pleasant to be together for Christmas; and just those several days of quiet family time were restorative.

Once we were on our own again we let our routines fly out the window and quite simply relaxed. No big New Year's Eve party, no big New Year's anything really. A movie and a puzzle on New Year's Eve, some clam chowder on the stove, and time spent snuggled in our cozy cottage. It has taken me a few days to ease in to the new year, I am finally accepting that it really is 2012 and looking ahead to what this year might have in store for me.

Instead of resolutions, I pray about a word or phrase for the year... sort of a guiding star that is a touchstone throughout the seasons to come. This year the word Nurture has been tugging at my sleeve, gently but persistently telling me that it is here to journey with me through 2012. The hardest part about Nurture is that it includes taking care of myself; I am extremely good at nurturing others but that usually comes at the price of self-neglect. Nurture is telling me to find the balance between the two poles. It promises to be an interesting journey.

Intersession classes are beginning; my first one starts Monday. I am leaping into a week long class on Addiction, 12-Steps, and the Church, which promises to be interesting. The following week I am taking a class that is focusing on the Black Madonna; I am interested to find out what this class has to teach me that I am not yet aware of.

I hope that your new year has begun pleasantly for you, and that your Epiphany Star guides you truly.

Advent Three...

2011-12-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

... and suddenly I can't wait for Advent Four. The semester ends on Friday, with two large papers due. One in Greek and one in History of Christianity, and both fighting hard to make themselves difficult to finish. The weather is conspiring in my desire to hole up inside with my immense pile of books and my computer by being dark and rather gloomy, but today is the day I am out nearly all day. I start with a meeting at 9:00 this morning and have classes that run until 9:00 tonight. Perhaps the weather will oblige and hang around for the rest of the week so I can curl up with a pot of tea and a blanket while I finish whipping these papers into shape. My goal is to have all but the final touches done by Thursday morning, but since each has already managed to change themselves entirely at least once already I am feeling a bit discouraged about that timing.

With the end of the semester looming, suddenly so is Christmas. Being in seminary has certainly forced me to focus on the preparation and waiting aspects of Advent this year, but I almost feel as if I am missing out. I have watched decorations going up all around me and not done anything here. Finally this weekend we broke down and brought up our boxes of Christmas, and I spent an evening merrily unpacking, making a few repairs, and flinging stuff onto a shelf for later distribution. But our mistletoe is up (careful, you might hit your head on it) and looking festive; the nativity is prepared (all the figures are scattered to the four winds until it is the appropriate time to show up); and All Souls' mice have taken over the china hutch (with a surprise popping out of a nearby basket). There is still so much I want to do, but in a cozy space there isn't a whole lot that can be done until I have time to finish straightening the bookshelves and have made nooks and crannies for our other beloved decorations to adorn. Not to mention the tree debate. We'll have one, but where do we put it and how big (small) will it be?

So while I continue to wrestle deeply with Julian of Norwich and John 14, Christmas is sneaking on to the scene to distract me with anticipation of relief and celebration. It is all about the balance, and not forgetting the sparkles of joy in the midst of the work.

Second Advent and Counting

2011-12-04T14:53:00.001-08:00

Two weeks left. In some cases only one class meeting remains, though for others there will be more. Even as I am deep in the heart of writing my final papers I seek to stay open to the small voice of God in my heart, living into the Advent season of preparation. It is all too appropriate to be hearing about "Last Things" in the Sunday readings as this first semester of seminary ends and I wonder how insane I must have been to select the independent research paper option for my History of Christianity final... but even there, as I stumble through piles of books and challenge myself deciphering the original Middle English of Julian of Norwich, there is a sense of peace and knowing that I am here at this time and in this place for a purpose.

It is all too easy to focus only on class readings, to sink myself into the academic world I know so well and am so comfortable in, but my challenge to myself as I approached seminary was to be open to the formation that this experience brings to me. To allow myself to be challenged and changed by what I encountered within the community and within the readings. In preparing my final paper for Anglican Traditions and Life I am seeing a small part of the fruit of this awareness. We are reading and discussing the current church (many readings on all sides of the current debates/issues), and I find that I am truly struggling to remain even remotely objective while reading the Jerusalem Declaration and other GAFCON documents. I find that there is a place in me that becomes defensive, that physically hurts, reading some of the words that the conservative side of the spectrum are speaking.

Unlike many of my classmates I have been on both sides of this issue, and have been deeply wounded as it has played out within my own diocese. I have lost the church I knew as home for the majority of my life and have been cast out of that same fellowship for having the audacity to question why it was wrong for me to feel that God was calling me, a female, to serve in a way that meant being set apart and consecrated to God's service. Not only am I rejecting the idea that was planted in me from childhood that as a female I am inferior and unworthy to approach God, I am seeking healing for the relationship between God and all people; I am choosing to believe that God loves all of creation and has a merciful and loving heart that aches to embrace everyone. I am refusing to step into God's place by judging whether or not a person is being faithful to the unique life God has called them to live. My parents and I have been informed that we are no longer welcome to even socialize with the parish that, deep in my heart, was still home even as I made a new home in a new parish.

As I read the documents that my childhood parish supports, I find myself grieving again for the loss of that family and the closing of the door in my face even as I had hoped for reconciliation and peace. But I also know that by the very fact that God is continuing to call me further along this path of dedicated service I cannot go back to the days when I truly belonged within that family; I am called to journey onward even as I must embrace the endings that journey brings.

So I struggle with this last paper for Anglican Traditions and Life, letting myself grieve for the past while wading ever deeper into the hope for the future and being formed not only by my experiences but also by my own reactions to the reality of the now. And I am leaning harder than ever into the awkward spaces of praying for my childhood parish family even in the face of rejection, and seeking the loving embrace of God where all hurts are transformed into grace and all sorrow to joy.

Advent Begins...

2011-12-01T07:29:00.001-08:00

... And so does the frantic feeling of the winding up of the semester, which officially ends December 16. With three major papers, a synthesis project, and several smaller reflections due throughout, I am suddenly very aware of the passing of time and how fast this first semester is moving to a close.

I am watching the leaves on the Japanese Maple outside of my window toss in the wind this morning as we are in the midst of wind advisories and a rather strong Santa Ana condition, and feeling quite thankful that it waited until we were back here before it arrived. We had a lovely visit to my parents for Thanksgiving, which was delightful and provided me a much-needed break from paper writing, Greek translating, and general nose-in-book syndrome. We visited All Souls' for the Thanksgiving day service and enjoyed catching up with friends and church family before settling down at my parents house for a quiet feast.

There is so much to be thankful for this year, not the least of which is even being in seminary at all and having this chance to live into the place where God is calling me to be and to serve. If you had asked me last Thanksgiving if I could see myself here in a year's time I probably would have looked at you quizzically and laughed. But when God decides that it is high time something happens, well... just hang on and follow faithfully.

I want to participate in a question that was brought up on another blog: Dream Life Wellness Studio. Lori-Lyn is looking back over 2011 and celebrating it over the next month. Today's prompt really struck me:

Loving 2011: Day One - What surprised you this year and what gift did you find in that surprise?

What surprised me most is the redemption of sorrow and fear that has come out of this year. My husband officially lost his job January 1, 2011. I was only working part time and earning just slightly above minimum wage, and he struggled to know how to proceed in finding another job that would be able to support us. A chance conversation with a neighbor who happened to drop a brief comment about something heard on the news led him to contact a recruiter to find out about returning to the US Army, something he had wanted to do ever since leaving it many years ago. Within six weeks he signed, and the next day the age limit was adjusted again to the point where he would not have been able to return to service. At the same time, he encouraged me to speak to a chaplain recruiter. I humored him, feeling in my heart that after so many tries and denials in formal discernment processes that perhaps my call was either dead or I and my communities in which I had discerned a call to priesthood and service had misread God's direction for me. I made the call to the recruiter the last week in January. I spoke with my rector and diocesan bishop the first week in February. By March I was accepted into seminary and well on my way to doing what needed to be done to be ready to join the Army myself.

Out of this flurry has come a multitude of blessings and reminders that it is not only not in my hands, but also not in my timing. God is truly in control. I am learning so many things about who God is calling me to be, and who I truly am at my heart's core. The biggest gift of all has been the chance to rediscover who God created me to be and to live into that developing knowledge while leaning hard on the unbreakable silver strand of love that ties me irrevocably to my Creator, Redeemer, and Sanctifier.

Almost There...

2011-11-14T09:07:00.001-08:00

At this moment Thanksgiving break can't quite come fast enough, though if it were already here I'd be in trouble! It is that time of the semester when I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the papers and tests and general information that has been coming my way and am ready to run away for a while.

Yesterday we went down to Moffett Field Chapel again, participating in their monthly fellowship potluck after the service. It was a great chance to start to settle into that community as members and friends instead of strangers. I really feel that there is a sense of belonging developing for me that I hadn't expected to find. Perhaps I am finally settling into my life as a military spouse and realizing that there really are things that my peers outside of the military just don't quite understand. I know that sounds dramatic, and that in all reality my spouse is in the Reserves and not deployed somewhere overseas. But there really are things that set us apart from the people around me both at school and in Berkeley in general.

The afternoon yesterday was spent dawdling over to Hwy 1 and driving up the coast through Half-Moon Bay and up into the City. It was a great way to get away for a little bit, though my papers were never too far from my mind. There is something refreshing about the ruggedness of the coast here that gives me perspective and space when I begin to get claustrophobic about my schoolwork and reminds me that God is the one in charge of everything - even those pesky papers and Greek verbs that I wrestle so mightily with.

Perhaps the reason I struggle so much with my papers is that in my writing of them I am allowing myself to be written as well. I know that my first paper for History of Christianity deeply affected how I have looked at the tools we gain through learning about historical theology and struggles and how that information can affect current ministry and theology. It isn't just that there are words on a page, those words are a part of my life and affect my current and future ministry deeply. They teach me about myself as much as they are my expression of my encounter with the subject being written about and the sources I am writing from.

It is off to class and then more paper wrestling for me...

Reading Week Pictures

2011-11-09T11:07:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned last post, I wanted to share some pictures from our visit to Oregon. We spent one day traveling along the North Fork of the Umpqua River:

I was utterly fascinated by the color of the water and how clear it is when you are standing on the banks looking into the riverbed itself.

Our first goal was to explore Tokettee Falls. We pulled in and parked near the huge redwood-stave pipe that carries water for some of the many hydro-electric generators along the river and began to hike the trail. I don't remember the actual numbers on the trail head sign but it was close to 124 stairs up and 150 stairs down to get to the viewing platform. Just thinking about the return trip had me a little nervous, but I enjoyed the trail along the river and the quarter to half a mile didn't seem so long. Especially when we stood on the viewing platform and watched this:

A beautiful 40-foot drop that thundered in our ears. I was quite impressed, but Roger said that he remembered a bigger falls and was determined to find it.

The next turn off revealed Watson Falls. 272 feet of falling water.

We climbed up along the river and rested on a wooden bridge before clambering over mossy rocks the rest of the way to the very base of the falls. Because the drop is so far the water is mostly mist by the time it reaches the bottom and the pressure is so light that a person could stand underneath and use the falls for a shower. The sound was more of a whisper than a thundering roar, and I found myself quite mesmerised watching the water slip over the edge and fall to the ground below.

We stopped at Diamond Lake next, shrouded in a cool mist as the cloud ceiling was quite low.

We walked a bit along the shore and decided that since we were around 20 miles from Crater Lake and I had never seen it we would chance the clouds and finish our tour there.

The drive was quite foggy and cold at that elevation - I am sure some of those little misty droplets were frozen. We pulled on our jackets anyway and walked over to the lodge and the viewpoints beyond. Just as I was lamenting that perhaps the clouds were going to make this a pointless extension to our trip we noticed that even as we were being pelted by wind-driven mist there was a place where the sun was trying to come through.

To our left, we saw this:

A rainbow in the mist as the clouds parted briefly. We were able to see the lake and the far shore, though the mist did continue to obscure Wizard Island. We stayed and watched the clearing as it widened enough to see most of the lake and the startling blue of the water before closing in again and encasing us in more freezing cold mist.

We retraced our steps to return to Roger's Parents feeling blessed and refreshed. I certainly appreciated our time in God's creation as a reminder that God did put all of this beauty in the world to show us God's generosity, glory, and love. So often I forget to appreciate the divinity displayed in beauty. This trip plunged me deeply into the "Book of Nature" and I returned to my classes refreshed and reminded of the totality of God.

Back in the Saddle

2011-11-03T09:21:00.000-07:00

Reading Week proved to be a much needed break, as I was able not only to accomplish a whole lot in the first part of the week for school but also to spend the later part of the week getting completely away from the stress and work of school.

We traveled to Southern Coastal Oregon on Thursday to spend a couple of days visiting with my in-laws and exploring some of the places that Roger tells me stories about. As soon as I get the pictures edited I'll do a post to show you some of the places we visited. Driving home Sunday we stopped several times to immerse ourselves in the beautiful misty coastal day and be refreshed by God's creation. It really made me think of the Celtic tradition that holds nature as another Gospel.

Sunday night after we arrived home I dove right back in to the world of papers, readings, classes (this semester Mondays are long days), and preparing applications and their companion essays for Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE), Fellowships, The Chaplain Candidate Program, and the US Army. Not to mention preparing to register for the Spring semester and Intersession in January.

Busy? Seminary? Nah!

The weather is changing rapidly and we are expecting a cold storm to move through this weekend - my teapot is ready!

Reading Week Sigh of Relief

2011-10-24T19:23:00.000-07:00

Today marks the beginning of Reading Week. No, not Fall Break - this is not intended as a vacation. This is a week when classes and chapel do not meet, but we still have work to do and assignments to finish. It is, however, a big sigh of relief. My brain gets to rest and not work at quite so frantic a pace (until I look ahead to the rest of the semester). I spent today nestled into the apartment and indulging my inner monastic soul with a quiet rhythm of work and prayer as the world went by outside the window.

This past weekend I was refreshed with a picnic at Stinson Beach and a long walk through Muir Woods. What a joy to sink into the silence of that forest and be reminded to "be still and know that I am God". It made a great opening for this week, a day of sabbath after the frantic pace of the last two weeks of papers and meetings.

Sunday we went to the chapel at Moffett Field. There is a lovely history of the chapel at the bottom of this page, complete with pictures of most of the stained glass windows. Having met with the Lutheran Chaplain at Camp Parks (who is also responsible for worship at Moffett Field) I was interested to see what a more liturgical, by the book, protestant service might look like. I felt much more at home, and realized that the appearance of a place has a great deal of influence on me. This was a chapel in the old-fashioned looks-like-a-small-church sense. The chaplain was as delighted as I was when she showed me the fabulous way that this space was built to accommodate Protestant, Catholic, and Jewish services by having a turntable split into thirds where the altars and Tabernacle sit; each is turned to face the congregation for the appropriate time. The Tabernacle is plain, and looks a bit like a cupboard. The Catholic third has a lovely Tabernacle below a large crucifix and large statues of John and Mary on either side. The Protestant third has what I would describe as an altar that has a brass cross on it and some flowers that coordinate with other arrangements placed in the sanctuary. The service was simple but recognizable as a mixture of the various liturgical types of worship and was based on the Order of Protestant Worship in the Book of Worship for United States Forces 1974.

The first part of this week is being spent catching up on school work, papers, and assorted paperwork. On Thursday we head out for a brief but overdue visit to my in-laws in Oregon. I am truly looking forward to the trip as we will be driving through some beautiful scenery and have a couple of side trips planned. A true break from the work of seminary and a lovely breath of time to rest in God's grace apart from the "usual" places.

Sunday Adventures

2011-10-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

Today we finally made good on our plans to join in worship at Camp Parks. I was a bit apprehensive since I knew it wouldn't look like anything I was intimately familiar with. It didn't dissapoint on that count. A nondenominational service is exactly what it says. It takes parts from a variety of denominational traditions and weaves them together into a whole. Some parts, like preaching on a selection from the Bible, are familiar. Other parts, like a long time of singing and extemporaneous prayer prior to the sermon, are not so familiar. For a cradle Episcopalian there seemed to be a lot of emotion involved, which certainly took some getting used to. We aren't nicknamed the "frozen chosen" for nothing when it comes to that!

Talking to the Chaplain afterward we discovered that this group that gathers for worship is truly diverse. They range from Catholic to LDS and everything in between. He showed me where his learning edges are, coming from a non-liturgical background, and how serving this community is about finding what is important for people and incorporating into the worship life. I really appreciated his honesty about how he is bringing pieces from a wide variety of worship expressions and learning to hold all of that without compromising his own tradition and faith background. It really makes me look at my seminary experiences a little bit differently, and the blessing of being a part of the Graduate Theological Union.

My first big paper was due on Friday, and I am so glad to have it finished! It really stretched me, and I told my professor that I think it wrote me instead of the other way around. As a reward I had signed up to go to a "yarn tasting" at a yarn store near Camp Parks. Apparently Bergere de France is one of the only companies that offers something like this, and I have to admit I really loved their yarns. There were just a handuful of us and we had a blast playing with samples of their beautiful yarn, thumbing through their pattern books, and nibbling on french-inspired snacks. It was a great little break for me before I stick my nose back into my books!

Exploring the Area

2011-10-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

This weekend we discovered the beauty of Muir Woods along with nearby Stinson Beach and Mt. Tamalpais. I had already fallen in love with the glory of Coastal Redwoods while on retreat at St. Dorothy's Rest and enjoyed seeing them at Tilden Park, just up the road from school. But this was new. This is old-growth ancient forest primeval. This is walking quietly along a trail to bask in the deeply cool and moist shade and listen to the chuckle of a small creek. Stopping periodically in awe to see the fingers of sunlight slipping through to illuminate the emerald green of moss and ferns against the red bark of a giant tree.

Even more than church has been recently, this was a place where I felt the presence of God. I was reminded of the words in Eucharistic Prayer C in the Book of Common Prayer: Deliver us from the presumption of coming to this Table for solace only, and not for strength; for pardon only, and not for renewal. Only it is the Table of the Book of Nature and not the Eucharistic Table I was experiencing. Walking determinedly deeper into the park and up side paths to escape the tourists crowding the main trails close to the entrance I felt soothed and comforted. Standing at the roots of these giant trees and looking up my soul was reaching for heaven with them and peace was drifting down like the soft sunlight. But deliver me from the presumption that this place, this peace, is only where I go for comfort and pardon. I come to this place for strength and renewal also - for the courage and restoration to return to my everyday world and continue to do what God is calling me to do in the community in which I find myself.

Working with Incarnational Theology this week for a paper in History of Christianity is certainly a form of wrestling. I am reminded, and laugh somewhat sheepishly, that God has a way of bringing us to a place where we come face to face with what me most need to learn or embrace. Though Tertullian is not the easiest of reads, and the form this paper is taking is not the easiest choice I could have made when determining how to approach this assignment, it is teaching me more than I could have imagined about my own living experience of God in this time and place in history.

Greek Flashcards

2011-10-03T10:11:00.000-07:00

Just a quick dispatch from where I sit, knee deep in Greek flashcards and potential thesis statements for my History of Christianity paper...

I am settling into the rhythms of classes and work more easily now, and finding peace in the routine that is developing. I am reminded of how much I find comfort in a fairly predictable routine, and how it feeds me to know more often than not what I am supposed to be doing when. It is making the other stuff- the work that God is doing, the wrestling that we are doing together - a little more manageable.

My week will be off and running in a bit when I head over for Old Testament Foundations, but before I dive headlong into my Monday Marathon I thought I'd share this picture from one of my classmates. It is the chapel at Saint Dorothy's Rest, where we spent our class retreat tucked in peacefully among the stately coastal redwoods.

Sunday Update

2011-09-25T13:05:00.000-07:00

Happy Sunday from a land buried more deeply than usual in mist. Not quite the predicted rain but certianly a very heavy mist. Really good weather for staying in and sticking my nose back in my books, which is what is up next.

Since I am on my own this weekend I went to the closest church possible, just a few blocks away. All Souls Parish. Most of the parish was away on their retreat this weekend so it was pretty quiet. Because it is so close to school there are several CDSP students and faculty deeply involved in the life of the parish. Today the deacon, one of the eucharistic ministers and the presider were all from school and it almost felt like another community Eucharist. I could also draw a lot of connections with my home All Souls community, and certainly made me ponder the connection of name to personality of the parish on my walk home.

We had our "prom" on Friday and it was a lot of fun. The main idea is that it is a time when the "newbies" get introduced to the continuing students in a fun setting and we all relax and socialize. With an 80's theme the commons were decorated with streamers, pac-man cutouts, and real vinyl records and we all had a blast.

I think I am finally starting to settle into the academic and worship routine here, which makes things go a lot more smoothly (at least I like to pretend that it does) with fewer panicky moments of "What day is this and am I missing a class right now?!"

I am off to go stir my soup, refill my teacup and dive back into the readings for Old Testament Foundations.

Worship and Experience

2011-09-18T14:29:00.000-07:00

Today I took a giant leap out of my perceived comfort zone. I joined a group of classmates who were heading over to here: http://www.saintgregorys.org/

Saint Gregory of Nyssa Episcopal Church. I'd heard about this place. They have the Liturgy of the Word in one place and dance to another place where they have the Liturgy of the Table. They're touchy-feely. They are not as orderly as most Episcopal parishes. They're different. Did I mention that they dance?! As part of the service! I was expecting a disaster in terms of how I felt about this place. I am trained in a set liturgical style, highly ritualized and pretty rigid, and that is where I am comfortable. Dancing? In church? Not me.

What I was not expecting was the vibrancy of the place. You walk in and are engulfed in an icon-style mural of saints, all dancing. Some of those saints are pretty recognizable, even if the Church doesn't particularly call them Saints or celebrate their feast days. Some I had to look up in the little booklet. But all of them holy in the eyes of the parish members. Lady Godiva. Shakespeare. Saint Francis and the Wolf of Gubbio. Desmond Tutu.

The dancing saints are not the only colorful part of this building. There is color everywhere from the fabulous fabrics on the crosses to the brilliantly colored vestments to the sparkly parasols used to place the Gospel Book and the Presider in the crowd gathered. People were friendly, and I assume rather used to those of us hanging around the door wide-eyed and a bit skittish about this whole thing. Please wear a nametag - use the red pen if this is your first visit - so that we can call you by name when we share communion with you. Here is the book you'll need, we'll tell you what page as you go. Have you seen our dancing saints? Want more information about them? How does our service move? Let us help you.

One fascinating thing is that we were there for a baptism. Actually two, twins. The baptismal font is just outside in a small courtyard off of the main rotunda space; a large dark grey rock with water trickling down the face and gathering in a small pool before dribbling down the rest of the way or being re-pumped to the top. Simple and beautiful against a backdrop of vines and other plants growing down and covering a very tall wall. In the sunlight I noticed some berries that glistened like rubies, perhaps under ripe blackberries or maybe they were raspberries. It made me think of the abundance of God's love and nourishment of all of us.

I surprised myself by not feeling quite so out of place as I expected. There is no organ so the music is acapella, and there is a lot of it. The majority of the service was either sung or chanted, and I found myself relaxing into it after a bit. Even the dancing wasn't as scary as I was prepared for it to be, though until I get the hang of it I think I will have to focus on either singing or dancing.

All in all it was a good experience. I have been hoping to explore the breadth of the Episcopal tradition as lived out here in this area and this was one of the places on my list. By far the most intimidating to me as it was the farthest from my comfort zone, but I am glad for the experience and just might go back a few times to shake myself up.

And So It Begins...

2011-09-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

It is time for an update. I now officially have a week of classes behind me. It started last Tuesday - day after Labor day - with Fundamentals of Worship. My classmates and I gathering in the chapel not really having any clue what to expect. Today we gathered in the chapel with more of an idea, looking at our teachers with less fear and trepidation in our hearts, feeling a bit more confident about our places here in the rhythm of this community.

CDSP gathers for worship as a community 13 times per week with occasional drifts into higher numbers if there are special needs or new things we wish to try. Daily Morning and Evening Prayer (except on Thursday there is not Evening Prayer). Holy Eucharist Monday, Tuesday, Friday. The only exception to our motly daily rhythm is Thursday when instead of a midday Eucharist and Evening Prayer the whole community intentionally gathers for Holy Eucharist in the evening followed by dinner and other community activities. While I am not able to be as consistent as I like in participating in all of these worship times I do my best.

I carry a full class load with Old Testament Foundations, Anglican Tradition and Life, Elements of New Testament Greek, History of Christianity I, and Fundamentals of Worship. This means a whole ton of books plus readers full of information copied for us. Aside from somehow managing the book load there is figuring out Moodle, a useful and helpful (once you get a grasp on it) online tool where you find the syllabus, readings, forums, interesting tidbits from the teachers and all kinds of goodies all put together for each class you register for. I'm just glad there isn't a grade for how quickly you figure it out, because I've needed a lot of help!

Aside from our first week of classes, we also had our class retreat this last weekend. It was held at St. Dorothy's Rest, an Episcopal Camp and Conference center up among the coastal redwoods. What an amazing experience! I loved the company of the giant trees, the hush of the forest, the dripping as the fog condensed and fell from the branches. I can't wait to go again soon.

I am looking forward now to finally being able to settle into the rountine I am craving to help me get all of the reading and writing done that needs to be done. Although I had arrived in Berkeley early to settle in I had no idea what my weeks and days would look like. Now I have some idea and am moving forward into that rich rhythm of community and study that called me into this particular place for my education and formation.

Musings of a Transplant

2011-07-19T09:29:00.001-07:00

Some days it just feels as if the boxes, the smallness that my life has been reduced to in this transition will never end. I am counting down the days until these boxes and stacks get piled into a rental truck to be driven 500 miles to my new life.

While the physical space of the new cottage is smaller it feels as if I am being transplanted from a cramped pot into a spacious and roomy new pot with wonderfully nutrient-rich soil and plenty of room to grow. I can't say that this wild oak is being transplanted back into the wild just yet because I know that seminary is just a container for the next three years of intense training and formation where I will be strengthened and prepared to be transplanted into my true habitat.

Somewhere in my boxes there is a precious little bronze cross with a tree growing on it. If you look carefully there are places along the trunk of this cross-shaped tree where you can see the wounds of pruning. It reminds me that I am constantly being tended to by a Gardener who sees my potential and exactly what I need in order to fulfill the deepest purpose of my soul. I resent the pain of pruning, but it helps when I can somehow manage to return to the perspective that it isn't being done with malice but with love.

In 12 days that truck will be taking me to my new home and I will begin the process of settling into my new pot; setting new roots and strengthening my growth. Not only am I looking forward to this awkward transplanting time to be over I am looking forward to the new adventure that is ahead of me.

Finally Some Unpacking Among the Packing

2011-07-06T11:18:00.000-07:00

On June 15 I boarded a plane with no real idea of what I was heading for. This was not the first time God had put me on a plane with spiritual destination unknown, but for some reason I thought I knew what to expect. I was going to spend four days with other young Christian leaders, doing some sort of service project and learning about where the church seems to be heading. Pretty simple. Except that all I really knew was that I was going to New Orleans and everyone told us to pack for heat and to bring bug spray.

It has taken me nearly a month to begin to unpack the lessons and experiences of those few days in New Orleans as part of the Fund for Theological Education 2011 Leaders in Ministry Conference. Sure, I had the experiences. I had the notes I took and the notebook with handouts and schedules. I read blog posts by others who had been there and listened to the recordings of various talks. I also pondered. There has been a whole lot of pondering.

The first day with all of the travel and assorted confusion of checking in and getting situated took me completely out of my comfort zone. The group I was assigned to arrive with was late, so we were unable to check in prior to beginning the conference. This meant that while everyone in our Round Table groups were forming the foundations of those small communities a couple dozen of us were down in a stuffy office while staff members continued the struggle to find acceptable housing among the apartments we had all been assigned to. Jocelyn Sideco, one of the leadership team members, finished off any expectation I had that this would be just another conference when she looked at us standing in line for apartments that may or may not be ready for us and said “at least you know you have a place to stay, even if you don’t know where it is or if it has linens and toilet paper waiting for you. That is more than some people in New Orleans still have even now”.

As I stumbled off the shuttle with my fellow students into the dark courtyard of the apartments we had been assigned to I realized that I needed Jocelyn’s very honest reminder of my surroundings. As I would discover later the physical scars of the storm were everywhere, including these apartments where we lived and gathered as small Round Table groups.

Worshipping with 108 enthusiastic young leaders from across all denominations was truly inspiring, as were the discussions it often started. It was also a way to discover that there is so much more common ground among Christians than we often give ourselves credit for. I can’t even begin to count the times in my life where worship styles have drawn lines in the sand that have caused argument and dissention where there should have been peace and compromise. I am not saying that I would like to worship in that style all the time – I am, after all, a cradle Episcopalian who loves high church liturgy – but it was truly refreshing to find a middle ground that was nourishing enough that it seemed that everyone could not only participate but learn something new in the process.

New Orleans itself became our teacher outside of worship. The heat and humidity forced many of us to slow down even more than the usual disorientation of a new city, and New Orleans embraced the chance to really force us to pay attention. Our first full day we were out and about getting personally involved by taking a bus tour on our way to various service project sites. It was an incredible experience to stop at various churches and ministries to hear their stories of ongoing recovery and struggle as well as their stories of hope and everyday miracles. As I listened to these stories wash over me and stood in places where so much change was taking place I was able to begin to wrap myself around the scope of the disaster. Like so many people I remembered watching the news about Katrina and the disastrous flooding that had destroyed so much of the city, but I also remember being utterly baffled at the sheer size of what was happening. Now I had no choice but to see the reminders everywhere. The houses still damaged and vacant in so many parts of the city; the marks still spray painted on homes that had been searched one by one for dead bodies, even homes that were inhabited still bore these marks; the contrast in recovery from area to area.

We traveled to the Lower Ninth Ward, one of the hardest hit in the flooding and still one of the least recovered areas of New Orleans. I spent that afternoon at Viet New Orleans, a group that is working to provide a safe place for the children of the neighborhood. In this case it is a primarily Vietnamese population, with the recovery effort led by Mary, Queen of Vietnam church. We picked up debris from when this location had served as a construction dump during the rebuilding of the neighborhood, cleaned playground equipment, painted a volleyball court, and installed fake turf on the beginnings of a mini-golf putting green. Other groups in other locations were helping to cut back overgrown vegetation from lots where houses had been swept away by the flooding, picking up trash, and helping a congregation prepare for a Vacation Bible School. For so many of us, we felt that it was a small drop in the bucket of what was needed and that our efforts wouldn’t have much of an effect. For the communities it was an affirmation that they were not forgotten and that somebody still cares about them even if the media has moved on. In the end it was a potent lesson about the gift of presence. It may not seem very big or important to us, but to the person or community we are with our mere presence may be the biggest gift God could give them at that moment.

The rest of the conference was spent on the campus of Dillard University in discussions, practical workshops, and small groups. Within the context of disaster and recovery we learned about new ways to help make the church relevant to a world that increasingly describes itself as spiritual but not religious and sees churches as irrelevant. In a potent video we watched a couple of times during the conference and is still posted on the FTE website Rev. Dr. Lois Dejean tells us that “I am not just here to talk a scripture. I’m here to do a scripture. To be a scripture. Ministry is no longer just at the pulpit”. This became a powerful reminder that sticks with me as I move forward in my discernment and ministry journey.

One of the tools the conference put into our toolboxes is the VocationCARE practice, which provides a framework for taking a community as well as an individual deep into discernment and acts as a catalyst for ideas and action. CARE is an acronym: C, create space to explore Christian vocation together; A, ask self-awakening questions together; R, reflect theologically on self and community; E, enact ministry opportunities. This formed the foundation not only of the small group discussions but also our large group times and even the way the conference was shaped.

My workshop time was spent with Enuma Okoro, who taught us about writing not only as an agent of community building and storytelling but also of being a faithful witness to the community. We did some writing exercises and discussed the role writers have often held as a reflection back to the community of what it is doing both right and wrong.

In the end, it is the experience of the community as a whole that was the most dynamic piece of this conference. Within that framework God took me and turned many of the things I thought I knew on their heads while also confirming things where I had felt so much doubt and concern.

Once again, God placed me on an airplane home with so much more than I expected and more than just my luggage to unpack. In the chaos of returning home and the sorting and packing involved in my preparations to move and begin seminary I have been quietly unpacking the lessons learned from four days in New Orleans. I have been changed by this experience and I am only now beginning to see those changes emerge. With God’s help they will grow and lead me closer to the heart of the purpose God has laid out for me in this path.

Since Blogger is not allowing me to embed the link to the page with the video and conference information I will do it this way: http://www.fteleaders.org/events/detail/2011-leaders-in-ministry-conference/

Dispatch from The Edge of the World

2011-06-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

As one of my friends keeps reminding me, I need to work on my tendency to just drop off the edge of the planet when things get busy! So here is my latest update:

Tomorrow I fly out early on my way to New Orleans, where I will spend several days at Dillard University. This is a really exciting trip, not only because I have never been to New Orleans but because I am taking part in a conference for fellows chosen by the Fund for Theological Education. The unique combination of discussion and hands-on service is something I am truly looking forward to experiencing. The downside is that all anyone can tell me is to bring bug spray and pack for the heat. Two things I don't get along with very well. This will truly be an adventure.

In the meantime I have begun my summer reading for seminary and am enjoying getting back into the study mode. It is a change from my most recent reading which has consisted mostly of re-reading favorite classics and young adult books which I returned to after I decided to give up the fluffy brain candy that wasn't doing me any good. So far I am deep into a memoir by an Army Chaplain called Faith Under Fire as well as A Short Introduction to Anglicanism and have finished Plato and Platypus Walk Into a Bar. There are several more that are beckoning to me, but I still want to have time to crochet a little to keep the meditative balance in my life.

My husband has gone ahead of me and is in training to become a trainer in the Army Reserves. He is doing quite well and is able to give me some hints about the weather I am preparing to move into.

Packing Up

2011-03-31T09:45:00.000-07:00

I have been putting off this part of our transition with all of the excitement I can muster about the newness of the life I am called to step into. Partly because I really don't like the idea of living out of boxes for a while. But mostly because I am very afraid of the struggle to let go of what isn't working for me anymore. Living simply is something I have felt called to in my life for a very long time, but there is an inner part of me that is terrified of how free and honest I could be if I truly did live into that call. What gifts and energies I might open up to use in God's work around me, and what might be the next step after giving up the stuff that is holding me back. So now, as I am invited to step into that call in a deeper way than ever before as part of following a larger, more fundamental call I find that I am both exhilarated and terrified. The physical weight that I need to lose (body clutter) is coming off faster than I thought possible, but I know that I am still stuck behind the clutter in my house and my life. Don't get me wrong, the beauty and special things that have no other purpose in life but to make me smile and feel good will most definitely be sticking around. But the other stuff - the stuff I hang on to in the fear that if I get rid of it I'll need or want it or disappoint someone - carries the energy of being stuck. It keeps me trapped in the fear of not enough. Of not being enough, not having enough, not able to give enough. Of wanting and not being able to have. The flip side of that is my new found and slowly strengthening ability to look at things, admire them, dream about how they would make my life more whatever, and then leave them where I found them until their true owner comes along. Unless it truly makes my life sing - like a flattering new pair of pants in a color and fabric I enjoy wearing is on sale for an incredible price just as my stock of wearable pants is down to one or two. It isn't that I am opposed to having things. But as I am packing my things they must pass a new test. Do I need it? Things like the vacuum cleaner fall into this category. It may not be beautiful and I may not smile each time I see it, but I certainly need it to keep my carpets clean. Do I use it? Our Rotisserie oven and upright freezer probably fall into this category. We don't really need them but we use them constantly. On the other hand, the terracotta chicken roaster that sits unused in the cupboard doesn't pass this test. Do I love it? Does it make me happy? The ultimate in the final whittling down of stuff. I have a lot of knick-knacks and heirlooms. Not to mention beautiful teapots and crystal. But some of that crystal and pressed glass has no meaning to me. They were bought at discount stores for no reason other than I wanted a vase or a bowl and didn't have any at the time. Those can go since they have been replaced by wedding gifts and heirlooms that my family has generously shared with me. Even some of the heirlooms will be returning to my parents, especially to my mom, for whom there is much more meaning attached than for me. So while the thrill of answering a deep call carries me forward, I am also dreading the sorting and separating. I know that there will be guilt about some of the things I plan on donating. There will be some anxiety about paring down to the things that actually mean something. In the end I know that it will be worth the work when my surroundings support and energize my husband and I instead of serving as a reminder of all of the stuff that we need to be taking care of.

Update: Beginning of a New Journey

2011-03-17T21:35:00.000-07:00

Hello again!

It has been quite a while since I have checked in here at the virtual cottage, and I find that now that I am back things will be changing to keep up with the developments in the non-virtual cottage. I know I hinted at some big changes, and many of the changes that are happening are ones that I had not even dreamed of when I wrote my last post.

So to the changes:

I have been accepted to seminary. Starting in the Fall. While this is a huge step in a direction that I have felt called to for a good portion of my life it is just now happening and I am beginning to finally accept that my acceptance there is real. It is the first step in my particular journey to priesthood, and I could not be more thrilled that God has finally allowed me to take this step.

As such the cottage will be pulling up roots and moving to Berkeley sometime this Summer. In the meantime there will be a huge state of flux here as we sort and separate things to toss, things to donate, things to store, and things to take. I'm not a big fan of chaos (or of moving) so this is a big test for me. I've always wanted to fully embrace the simple life and this is offering me a chance to truly evaluate that desire and to put it into practice.

It also means that the virtual cottage will be changing a bit. I'm hoping to post here to help my friends and family keep up with some of the things going on as I begin this new stage in my journey and there will be a decidedly more faith-based accent to my writing. I have a lot to explore, and this is a great place to be a part of the online community of others on a journey within themselves and their faith lives.

New Year

2011-01-05T20:06:00.001-08:00

Things here at the cottage have been a bit hectic of late, and computing time has been quite limited. The four-legged ones are quite demanding in making sure they get their share of lap time daily, and with the hurry and scurry of working retail during the holidays that time has been severely curtailed! Somehow, providing the necessary lap time has been more important than computer time and I find that it has been a blessing to simply unwind when I get home late at night with a cat on my lap and a dog beside me.

There has been much discussion about the future here at the cottage as well. The four-legged ones haven't really had much to say, but those of us who have two legs and are responsible for it all have sure been talking about it! Not only because it is a New Year, but also because it marks a season of new beginnings in all of our lives. My husband has lost his job - and the backstabbing involved in my firing was a massage and spa day compared to what the same people are putting him through! - which is necessitating a very new beginning for us along with a time of grief and turning inward to heal and figure out what next. One or the other of us (briefly both of us at the same time) have worked for this group since we met, and so there has been no time in our relationship that has not been under the shadow of this group of people. While it is very much a blessing to not have them watching over our shoulders and judging our private lives as well as our work lives it is a bit disconcerting to realize that there has never been a time when we were not somehow under their influence!

Dreaming big, praying, and a good bit of shuffling things around are the order of the day here!

Waltz Anyone?

2010-12-08T08:50:00.000-08:00

As with all good intentions, the one to try to write at least every other week has fallen by the wayside as my family and I have been walking a difficult path these last few months. It has seemed so difficult to face the day on some days that I simply stare at my computer, at this link to a community of loving people, and turn away to sit quietly in my chair in the corner and think.

Transitions are yucky, uncomfortable, beautiful, messy seasons in our lives. It becomes so difficult to see the beauty when you are in the midst of the mess, and it has been more important than ever for me to nurse my inner hermit with long stretches of silence and sitting in contemplation of the current moment.

I started this blog during a very low point in my life with my husband's encouragement. I chose my name - Sulwyn - and created a character in my mind for this wise woman and her quiet cottage. Somehow, this wise woman I thought I had created in my imagination is becoming a deeper part of me. That I have called her out of my depths into my reality, and I love the wisdom that she is sharing with me. But I have continued to hold her at arm's length, to believe that she is somehow imaginary - like the imaginary friends from childhood who nonetheless gave you good advice. But even this is changing, and I am embracing the reality of this part of myself. It isn't easy, and sometimes I fail to recognize the growth that she is calling me into. Sometimes I turn away from that growth because I am afraid of it. But that is honest and true fear speaking, and eventually we waltz together and I end up on the other side somehow and I am stronger for it.

All of this to say that my writing will likely be erratic for a while still. There are some mighty big waltzes with any number of fears currently and ahead of me. But I am still here, still reading and following the things my friends share. Still praying for all of you.

Just Dropping In...

2010-10-29T20:53:00.000-07:00

Apparently I need to work on maintaining my discipline of blogging... though, thankfully, I have not slipped out of the discipline of writing in my journal!

It has been on my mind to return here and post for weeks, but it has been so easy to let it slip to the next day, or the next. I'm not sure what to write about today... I'll make time tomorrow... that is too trivial to write about... that is too serious to write about...

Before I knew it a month and more has passed. Where did it go? Perhaps the same place the beautiful autumnal weather that was here for a few days and fled again went to. To be honest, I find that I have been in a time of deep soul work, transitions that may not be obvious or clear on the outside but have been rocking my inner world on a regular basis. My energy has been focused inward, on healing and accepting the grace that has been pouring over me. Perhaps soon I will be able to express this in words, to open to you the windows and doors that are opening around me. In the meantime, know that I have not forgotten you, or this blog. You all remain in my prayers and I know that Spirit is watching over all of us.

Fire Season

2010-09-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

The end of September - the Autumnal Equinox - has brought with it a huge heat wave and fires. It seems to happen every year, this turning of the seasons from summer to I-can't-move-I'm-burning-up. Of course, I have to admit that this body of mine does not handle the heat, especially high heat with extremely low humidity, very well. Yesterday we were well over 100 with a humidity well below 15%. Add in some wind and you get the perfect recipe for wildfires.

There have been a handful since our experience here at the cottage last weekend, but none so dramatic as what I saw yesterday.

Taking the stepdaughter back to her mother, we decided to take the road through the back country. This is a treat for me as it is a little bit longer, but I love to tootle along on the two lane highway and look at the mountains and trees, the blink-and-you'll-miss-it "towns" on the side of the road, the view of the border... where we realized after we had turned past any detours back to the big freeway that there was an awful lot of smoke rising. Looking it up after returning home, there were three large fires burning out of control across the border. As we drove along we could look across the valleys and see the fire lines raging out of control across the hillsides just beyond the reach of our own firefighters on this side of the border.

In the past, this would have terrified me, knowing that we would have to continue past these raging fires where we could see no hint of organized attempts to control the flames in order to reach the relative safety of a road that would go away from this little old two lane highway. But I have been making peace with this childhood terror, and at one point we paused briefly to take advantage of a teaching moment for the stepdaughter about fire safety. We stood outside of the car, watching the firefighters watching the fire (they could do nothing to fight the fire until it crossed the border or they were invited to cross to give assistance) and in the silence of a relatively little traveled back country road we could hear the hiss and pop of the fire from a distance of a mile or more away. We were able to show the stepdaughter about how wildfires spread so rapidly, how fire likes to go uphill but is not so happy about going down, how the wind drives it forward, and how helicopters and other firefighting machinery that assists at wildfires looks and works.

As we drove home after the drop off, we looked out over the hills at the orange glow in the south and I felt a great respect for this beast. I still don't want to have one in my backyard by any means. But I feel as if this important part of our ecological development is no longer my enemy, to be greeted with fear. You see, here in this part of the world nature developed a wonderful mechanism to control the grasses and underbrush that would otherwise choke out the young seedlings of trees and hardier scrub. These grasses and underbrush that die back each year after their wet season growth burn very hot and very fast. If the environment is completely pristine with no human interference, lightning strikes or hot dry winds spark fires that rip through and consume these hot, fast burning fuels without being able to stay in any one place long enough to consume the trees and tougher scrub. As humans have moved in and shifted the balance of what grows and doesn't around our homes as well as adjusting to fight the natural fires we throw off the balance of our native burn and renew environment, setting the stage for the fires to burn longer and slower, consuming everything in their paths including the trees and scrub that used to have protection from fast moving wildfires. The firestorms that have raged across our county in past years are a result of that human interference with the natural cycle of fires.

So peace is being made between myself and wildfire. Like any wild creature it is to be respected, and I am coming to that point.

A Little Excitement

2010-09-19T20:34:00.000-07:00

Saturday afternoon was spent standing in a parking lot with my husband and many neighbors, watching a wildfire rampage across the hills behind the Cottage. It really was rather alarming, and I find that I am angry at the "kids" (no real way to tell ages, sometimes even genders) who have used the area for their hangout to smoke and do drugs as well as the general management of the area who refuses to take responsibility for their own property.

Yes, I am still steamed.

I was, however, awed, impressed, and very grateful for the skill and dedication of the fire crews that responded. As hours passed and I watched a pair of brush trucks that we were able to determine were parked directly in front of the cottage to maintain that edge of the burn area, I relaxed knowing that they and the many other crews were fearless in their determination to stop this blaze. The precision water drops from the helicopters and the bombers dropping bright orange-red retardant kept my attention as a well-choreographed but improvised dance. Toward the end a Chinook (the kind of helicopter with 2 large rotors that was designed to be able to haul a tank and then some) arrived with what we are guessing was a 500 gallon bucket. The ability they had to drop the water exactly where they wanted it was fascinating! The maneuvering and delicate balancing to react to the loss of the weight of the water was incredible. I was even impressed watching the mop-up crews work late into the night to ensure that no hot spots were left behind.

Today I look out over a half-charred hillside from my front porch and ache for the earth that was so suddenly laid bare. I realize that this area evolved as a burn and regenerate ecosystem, but it just doesn't feel right knowing that this fire was human-caused. Even my husband's cheerful observation that at least part of the tinder-dry brush has been consumed and will create a break for any other fires rings a little hollow right now.

So I thank the firefighters, the amazing pilots who work with them, and the earth herself that this was no worse than it was. But next time I could use a little less drama.

New Eyes

2010-09-09T12:59:00.001-07:00

There has been a great deal of growth happening here at the Cottage since I took a deep breath and hit publish on my last post. It seems as if that has opened a door for me to accept myself a bit more, to lean into the scary side of being the woman that I have been created and shaped to be.

It makes regular posting here a bit more difficult sometimes, as I know that early on what interested people was the writing of bits of everyday life at the Cottage. But everyday life here is taking dramatically wild and amazingly divine leaps and bounds daily now; the everyday commonplace is no longer the same old bits of garden, herb, and tea information. Is there still some of that? Sure (except perhaps the garden, which I have decided in this climate with our particular brand of totally stubborn soil is to be given over almost completely to succulents!). But there is more now, too.

I see more magic in life with my daily Reiki practice, with learning even more about tea and the beauty and health benefits it can provide, with opening my heart to allow myself to be the unique wild, holy, mystical, wise woman that I am. Of course, I have days when I forget that I am a goddess (one who is a female embodiment of the divine image), when I forget that the purpose of my life is to live my truth and by myself.

But the magic and the mystery of life is pursuing me forward into places where I am exploring and discovering new (to me) territory. Some of it is quite tender and difficult to share, some of it has been shared better by others in whose footsteps I am dancing. All of it incredible. And Beautiful.

So things may be changing on the blog over the next months as I get my bearings in the world that is opening up around me as I open my eyes and live into my truth. Bear with me.

The Preamble

2010-08-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

Since my "return" post I have been flitting here and there in the blogosphere filling up on juicy bits of bliss and wisdom. Most of these are listed in my sidebar, but I thought I'd point out places where I've been spending my computer time (besides Ravelry!). I love Lucy at Attic 24 and her truly bright outlook on life in her corner of England. Her crochet is wonderful and the colors cheerful. The other fiberly connected blog that I have been hanging out at is Juniper Moon Farm. I love all the great information and sweet pictures of the flock and Susan is a wonderful correspondent (unlike those of us who disappear for weeks at a time!). The rest of her site is just as full of fibery, sheepy fun as her blog! For nourishment on a deeper level I have been truly enjoying the challenge of keeping track of Joy at Unfolding Your Path to Joy and her beautiful outlook on the changes and joys of living life truly connected to the Universe. The other place I've been getting filled up and lifted up is Goddess Guidebook. I really admire what Goddess Leonie does and is and I love to read her posts on her adventures through life.

A lot of this has been fueled by avoidance. I knew I had promised to tell my story, but I hadn't really liked the way any of my attempts had gone. My voice wasn't genuine. So I looked to people who have a genuine way of writing to get past my own frustrations. They each have a story to tell, and in the case of another blog I've been following, BlissChick, the story is as raw and fresh to her as mine is to me.

So, with a few months of preparing and a whole collection of posts about being authentic to self and embracing fear over the past few days I am getting ready to hit publish on a post in which I tell my story. Stay Tuned.

Lace Preview

2010-08-10T18:44:00.000-07:00

While I was gone, a friend profiled a picture of a doily I made for her on her blog. Kimberly Shaw makes some beautiful cards, and I love being able to share them with my friends as a suprise in the mail.

I have enjoyed the challenge of doilies and finally got some pictures of a few of them, thanks to my dad and his light box. I'll throw a few around on my blog now and then - like this one:

More to come...

I'm Back!?

2010-08-09T20:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Blogosphere Buddies,

I'm back. I think. This month away has been quite pleasant but it has also brought out a lot of questions for me about the nature of where this blog is going and what kind of posts I am writing. Yes, for those of you who are interested I am still planning on sharing my "story" - the deep truth about the things in my past that have made me who I am. But I am also wondering where I am called to focus my writing. My journal is truly where I ramble and without a center of focus for this blog I was having difficulty deciding what and when to write here. So I am doing some deep consideration about my writing and blogging activities.

On a different note, I also have the wonderful news to report that I have a new job. I am currently a part time seasonal (with the possibility of going permanent) team member at the local Teavana store. I am in heaven - and no, I am not making a pun on the name of the store, which does mean "heaven of tea" - with all of that wonderful very high quality tea and tea accoutrement's! It is sales, which I am not sure I am good at, but since it is tea, which I can talk about until the cows come home and then leave again, I have a feeling that it is a good fit.

My home is coming together again after some backsliding while my stepdaughter was visiting. Things are finding their way back to their homes or are finding new ones. With full-time kid-care I did get a few things accomplished. Between huddling on the beach under my umbrella to try to avoid sunburn (did I ever mention that I think I might be allergic to the sun?) and curling up under trees in various parks I got quite a bit of crochet done. There are 4 new completed shawls and two are almost finished. My homemade Christmas presents are planned out and most of the materials collected (I have to start early or I'll forget until December that I wanted to make something for certain people and then I'll get down on myself for not planning better!). I even got a book or two read!

I hope all is well with you, too. Please do bear with me as I get my bearings back here online!

A Visitor

2010-07-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

My stepdaughter is visiting for the month of July - she arrived Friday night. While we enjoy having her, I have discovered that I am not one of those for whom latent parenting instincts have bloomed with the addition of a child to my life. In the interest of giving this beautiful girl the attention she needs I suspect that I will be disappearing from this space for a little while.

Though who knows, I may be more inspired than ever since I'll be stretching my imagination in an attempt to find common ground and entertain her without boring her to tears!

I know that I promised to tell my story, and I will as soon as I am back to my attempted-regularly-scheduled-writing-time.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Well Being

2010-06-30T07:07:00.001-07:00

I have an unusually busy couple of days ahead so I wasn't planning on joining in over at Wishcasting Wednesday since I won't have the chance to get to look at everyone else's wishes today or tomorrow, but the question stopped me in my tracks and I knew I needed to express this one to the universe.

What do you wish for your well-being?

I have so many wishes that all tie into this one question, so many parts of the whole that feel out of place and out of touch. I have, in the last year, let so much of my wholeness go. Of course, that wholeness that I remember and seek was actually destroyed 15 years ago, with various permutations on the theme in the passing years.

I wish to embrace my wholeness - my self, my healing, my gifts, my power, my purpose in this world, and my health.

I have been feeling that it is time for me to tell my story - 15 years is a long time to have a piece of your identity be made up by something you are afraid to admit because of how others might see you if they knew. No more. I am preparing a series of posts to share this story, this part of myself, to own the reality of it's effect in my life.

So I wish to embrace my wholeness, knowing that it will bring me to a place of well-being in body, mind, and spirit.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Fun

2010-06-23T06:13:00.000-07:00

Today's Wishcasting Wednesday prompt from Jamie really hit me this morning:

What fun do you wish to have?

I went to sleep last night in the midst of a deep soul struggle, digging to uncover the root of my recent slide into yet another depression, realizing that this particular month holds a lot of historical wounding for me, yesterday the 1 year anniversary of the most recent, and I wake up to a question like this???? Who am I kidding, I just want to be a little less depressed than I was last night - I can't think about fun right now!

Then I realized that this is precisely when I should be thinking about fun. When it seems most absent from my life I need to cultivate it consciously and dive deeply into every hint of fun and joy that manages to swim through the miasma of depression that currently engulfs me. June reached out and swallowed me into a gulf of frustrated struggle with my history, some of it more on a conscious level, some of it not. The worst of it began 15 years ago and I am contemplating sharing that story here for others to learn from and to know that they can survive and thrive, too. But that is not really about fun. It is when I believe I lost my ability to trust that there was something in my life called fun. I am only recently rediscovering it.

My wish today, on this overcast and cloudy June morning, is to learn again the joy of having fun, to become friends with it and be able to embrace it back into my life as a constant companion instead of a rare visitor. To see and enjoy fun in my daily life instead of looking back and wondering "was I having fun?" at the end of the day.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Nourishing

2010-06-16T07:47:00.000-07:00

Today Jamie's Wishcasting Wednesday question is

What do you wish to nourish?

I wish to nourish my soul. I continue to seek out ways to live as my most authentic self in everything I do, but I find that the excavation process to find that self can be painful and slow. I wish to continue this work, even during the painful and slow times, because that nourishes and strengthens my soul. I am here in this time and place as a unique creation and I have a purpose to pursue and fulfill. I have been placed here to do and be something that no other person can do and be in each moment of my life. I may have spent a good deal of time covering that up and trying to do what others believe I should do and be, but that just slowly starves my soul.

I am not pretending that I will get rich or be famous or any other thing by pursuing my personal purpose in life. Most likely I will continue to run into obstacles that I must work with and around. It certainly won't be glamorous. But I will be most gloriously alive in every way that counts to me if I follow my soul's leading. So I seek to nourish my soul. That sweet, fiercely gentle flame at the heart of me that burns with the fire of living and living well.

Tea, Anyone?

2010-06-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

There is no doubt in my mind that I am a tea girl. I love the ritual of brewing it, watching the leaves and herbs infuse and bloom in the water, sipping (or drinking, depending on my mood and the tea) from a lovely cup, the taste, the aroma. I love the culture surrounding tea.

I will never qualify for a total tea nut as I am not always careful to get my water to the exact best temperature for each tea and sometimes I can be a bit lax about steeping times. Any pot or cup I enjoy is good enough for me. I'm not picky, though I have a few I cups and teapots I actively avoid using. I am enough of a tea snob to know that while I will drink Lipton in a pinch (if I'm caught in a restaurant without the stash I carry in my purse or am a guest in someones home) it will never be my favorite and I will not buy it for myself. I sip the tea in Chinese restaurants with appreciation (usually - some serve pretty atrocious over brewed green teas) and am always thrilled when I end up somewhere that serves a simple oolong or well-brewed jasmine tea. I consider myself tea-adventurous and often take my herbal training in one had and my love of tea in the other to whip up a small batch of something for myself.

Last evening I hosted a tea tasting at my parents house for a friend who will be selling a selection of teas that I have blended at her booth at a local lavender festival. I will be making three blends for her: a black tea, a rooibos blend, and an herbal tisane. I had a wonderful time sharing these teas that I have dreamed up and learned a great deal in the meantime.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Leaping

2010-06-09T06:26:00.000-07:00

Today is Wishcasting Wednesday with Jamie Ridler and her question is:

What leap do you wish to take?

I wish to take that flying leap that will allow me to soar into a place where I belong, where I am whole enough to be content being myself, and where I can help support our family using the gifts and talents that bring joy to myself and others.

Yes, I have been absent from my blog for a while. At least two Wishcasting Wednesdays have slipped past me without even a single post or message to others. I have been busy with my mom, cleaning and moving things around in my cottage to bring in more space and light. When we cleaned last summer we closed off a lot of space - I needed the energy of being closed in as I healed through the traumatic endings that I had just gone through - but now I am healing in a deeper way and able to trust enough that being open does not equal being trampled to pieces and so we are making a place for me in the office and opening up space throughout the house for air and energy to circulate and thrive, bringing new opportunities and fresh perspectives.

With all of this in mind my wish is simply to believe that I have a place where it is not "unusual" to be a little different from the norm, and where faith and healing and crafting with yarn and a hook and tea all come together in some way that does not automatically get me that "and just how useful is that" look. I have gotten that a lot throughout my life - I never was the best at fitting in with the in crowd - and I know that I am who I am for a reason other than confusing the people and culture around me!

And so, my fellow wishcasters, I am leaping into the wild unknown and trusting that there is a place for me among the stars and that I will grow the wings I need to get me there.

Quickie Updates

2010-05-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

No, I haven't fallen off the edge of the planet. I've been keeping myself busy - or should I say my mom has been keeping me busy - these past few days helping me to clear the clutter I had surrounded myself with. Two more rooms to go, but those are going to be difficult. We are planning on switching our current "office" and guest bedroom locations so that I can finally have a desk in the office in a room that isn't likely to a)trigger migraines with heat and glare and b)is a favorite room of mine to begin with! Our guest room is less frequently used, so it makes sense to change it out with a room that we can close off if we need to.

All of this sorting and separating, moving around, rearranging, and purging has taken time. But oh! the cottage is feeling so much better that it has in a very long time. Last summer we did some organizing, but I was in a place of endings and trauma and so my ability to purge what needed purging was certainly not at it's sharpest - I held on to all kinds of things and moved things around in a way to close off a lot of space. This time things are finding homes where I look around and think "ah... space and openness!" which is rather like breathing a sigh of relief.

This has kept me from much blogging as I have been taking my rest time to work on some doilies - yep, I'm making lace again! I hope to have a few new pieces blocked and pictures taken so I can post them soon. At one point I swore off of lace because of the fineness of the thread, but now am finding that the challenge of the small thread combined with the complexity of the patterns is really stimulating my brain. I guess it is a crossword and word search for the fiber minded!

Wishcasting Wednesday - Experience

2010-05-12T08:15:00.001-07:00

Today at Wishcasting Wednesday Headquarters, Jamie has posed a very interesting question:

What do you wish to experience?

I wish to experience the exhilaration of the desert Southwest monsoons on a bare mesa. The intensity of the thunder and lightening of these storms in awesome and I have loved the thrill of them for as long as I can remember. I now live in a place unaffected by the monsoons, but still feel the pull of the desert on my spirit and know that there will always be a place in my soul that craves the sacred places of the high desert.

I wish to experience the solemn wonder of the rain forest of the Olympic Peninsula. Not to mention the prime lavender growing area nearby at Sequim. It has been on my list of places to visit for a very long time and I know that a piece of my soul will always long for a visit.

I wish to experience the grandeur of Alaska. My husband spent several years of his childhood in a remote part of Glacier Bay, and listening to his stories has only increased my longing to see this vast and formidable environment. Not to mention that I have always wanted to see the Northern Lights.

I wish to experience the joy of traveling by train through the Canadian Rockies. Part of my family is Canadian, and hearing the stories they told has made me wish to see these mountains. I'm sure it helps that I am a mountain girl in my soul - I love mountains!

I wish to experience finding my family's roots in Saskatchewan. I know the homestead is long gone, but it would be lovely to walk in the area and remember the stories in the general place where they took place.

I wish to experience gathering among family in England. We have done this once and it was such a delight to be among so many people and know that we are all related. Literally. By blood. Suddenly I didn't feel so alone in the world.

I wish to experience the chill of the air in Scotland. Not sure why, but Scotland has been one of those places that has called to my soul ever since I can remember. But the soul does not need a reason, so I plan and wait until I have my chance.

I wish to experience the solitude of the Welsh mountains. Another place, like Scotland and parts of England where my soul is calling to me to go.

I wish to experience the peace that comes from being at home with the one I love. To have my home tidy and orderly. To rest together in a sanctuary that nourishes and protects us from the world.

I wish to experience the spontaneous joy that comes from being at peace with myself and my body. This is the biggest of all, because without this one the others lose their savor. I am beginning this journey already and look forward to each step I take towards making peace with myself.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Rules

2010-05-05T06:31:00.000-07:00

Today's Wishcasting Wednesday question from Jamie Ridler is quite thought provoking:

What rules do you wish to make or break?

I have been doing a lot of listening to New Thought teachers and reading books and articles that stress the importance of the story I tell myself as I am working on my recovery, which has led to a lot of listening to my inner dialogue - and can I just say that after that, it's no wonder I am prone to disabling depressions? Yikes! So my primary wish is to break the rules that are in my head that make it difficult for me to know and be the person I know that I was born to be. Perhaps that sounds a bit vague, but it is amazing how many "rules" I have in my head and in my heart about what I can and cannot be, do, say, or anything else.

I suppose the best examples are recent ones, and over the course of the last week or so my mom has been coming over to help me clean and organize. We've been working in the kitchen and dining area, and as we empty cupboards to change around their contents I hear things in my head like "why are you bothering? It won't stay this nice for more than a few days since you are a worse housekeeper than Grandma Grace" and "look at this mess! You are just not meant to have anything nice because you can't keep it that way!". Of course, there are excuses, too: "it got this way when I was so caught up in depression and illness" and my favorite "I'm not the only one in this house!". So my rules have included such things as: if I can't keep it perfect I don't deserve to have it, or even have "close enough"; it is all someone elses fault if it isn't "just right"; I'm never going to be able to do it "right" so I'm a failure before I start. What a lovely group of beliefs and rules to live by, right? No wonder I have issues with getting trapped in depressive cycles!

So I wish to break the rules of paralyzing perfectionism, self-doubt, shame and lack. I wish to replace them with the gentler and more loving "rules" of do/say/be it anyway, self-love, joy and abundance. I wish to live by the rules of who and what I was born to be and not what has been imposed from outside to make me into something I am not.

Lessons from a Prayer Shawl

2010-05-03T10:39:00.000-07:00

With all of the time I am spending recovering from surgery, I find that my mind is working overtime! Mostly I have been observing myself and seeing if I can root out where my illnesses have grown into my identity. Once I find that, I can go about blooming more freely as I know where to watch for the weeds that try to choke out the good, healthy growth.

Perhaps that sounds a bit dramatic, but I have always had a rather dramatic streak - though it usually keeps itself confined to my imagination. One of my projects that I have been working on the last two weeks is a prayer shawl based on a series of granny squares using bits and pieces of yarn left from various other prayer shawls and baby blankets that I have made over the last few years. As I crocheted the squares from small leftovers I saw myself putting my life back together. There was a time in this most recent month of conventional treatments that I began to wonder if I were really being called to be a healer, especially one drawn to natural modalities. I mean, with such a powerful tool as Reiki along with proper dietary changes and other work shouldn't I have been able to take care of the gallstones without surgery? What kind of healer am I that I couldn't heal myself?

So I stitched and I thought. Squares were made and stitched together to form a rectangle, and I began to work on the border stitching that makes this one big shawl, and I began to realize that I am like those squares. Many different parts coming together from who knows what to form a cohesive whole something new. I had yarn from a baby blanket next to yarn from a shawl I crocheted for a dying person next to some that had been in my stash so long I no longer know what it was originally used for. Reiki sits beside the new pills I take to help control the debilitating headaches beside the drug intolerance that led me to embrace natural healing in the first place. Embracing all of those strands and all of those squares are the basic truths I know about myself - even though I am finding that those have been hidden for so long behind illness that I seem to have forgotten their names.

Today I read over at Unfolding Your Path To Joy about her choice to live in love, to know herself through her experience of nature and nature's moods and another strand was added to the shawl I am making. Her words reminded me of how I used to be so in tune with nature as a child, embracing the windy afternoons that sometimes threatened to blow me away or the soft and tender touch of fog or rain on my cheeks. Coming home from the beach or the local pool, or after running through the sprinklers and lying out in the sun on the brick porch to dry. I have missed that connection, and though I have tried to return to it over the years since I have grown up I have never been able to embrace the depth of truly knowing myself as a child of the earth. I have hidden in my head and tried to be totally and completely a child of the culture and utterly failed. Especially since I have never had much love and admiration for the culture I have been surrounded by.

So today, although I am still taking it easy and working on allowing myself the leisure to recover fully from the surgery, I am opening my heart to those small whispers that tell me to listen ever deeper to myself and my heart and to wrap myself in the story that is unfolding as I crochet this prayer shawl.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Investing

2010-04-28T08:31:00.000-07:00

Today is Wednesday, which means that over at Jamie Ridler Studios there is Wishcasting Wednesday! This week our question is:

What do you wish to invest in?

I wish to invest my time and energy in shaping this little cottage of ours into a place of refuge from the worries and cares of the world, a place where we are eager to spend time, a place where we can go to heal and renew ourselves. With my depression and other physical illnesses our home has become a place I would rather run away from, so as I am recovering from surgery my mother has been gracious enough to come out and begin helping me chip away at the layers of buildup keeping me from being able to even know where to start. So far it has been a fruitful apprenticeship for me, learning the little tips and tricks that I didn't care enough to bother learning when I was still under her roof and finding that I really do care if my house is clean and tidy.

I also wish to invest in my future. This one is a lot more vague because it doesn't really have a shape or a name yet. I only know that as I have been trapped in depression and physical illnesses I have also been in a cocoon of transformation. I cannot go back to the person I was at this time last year. I could try, but I would know how unhappy that life was and how it was slowly killing me. I am investing time and energy to discover my truth, to live it, and what that looks like in all areas of my life. In many ways I feel like the worlds biggest toddler. So much of my identity that I had taken for granted is slipping away from me to be transformed into something truer and more beautiful than I ever dreamed.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Daring

2010-04-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

Today over at Wishcasting Wednesday Jamie asks us

What do you wish to dare?

I am just home from the hospital where I had emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder. This was the latest in what I knew were obstacles to my blooming into my greatest self. I have been so fettered by pain and frustration that I could not see the sky or the earth supporting me. I could only see the smallest part of what makes me me. While I still have pain, my range of vision is opening out wider again and I wish to dare to embrace the daringness of my new life. I hear whispers of it calling to me as I work with Reiki and herbs, healing and creativity, crochet and cooking.

I wish to dare to embrace my new life as it forms itself around me in this clarity of space that is being left as the illnesses are healing. I wish to dare to bloom and live so fully into my truth that it is no longer a vague dream but a grounded and whole reality. I wish to rival the vivacity of the blooms that I saw in the municipal rose garden where I had a picnic lunch with my honey on Saturday. I am daring to bloom!

Wishcasting Wednesday - Gentleness

2010-04-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

It is Wishcasting Wednesday again and this week the question is:

What do you wish to be gentle with?

I wish to be gentle with myself. A couple of days after my lumbar puncture I was able to go to the class and receive the attunement for level 2 in Reiki. I can honestly credit the preparation that went into the pre-treatment that I was even able to go at all. In the past a lumbar puncture would mean 9-14 days flat on my back with an agonizing headache. This time I was able to sit up to eat late the next day, even though I was mostly flat the rest of the time.

But back to Reiki. Since it was a class of two students I was easily able to accommodate my need for lying down and still get the information. (I was able to sit up for the attunement, however!) I find that this latest opening and infusion of energy has made a difference in how I am willing to see myself. This particular shift is of seismic proportions in my life. There is an ongoing struggle with a very negative self image which Reiki is helping me to re-frame.

Most of my life I have had a rather unpleasant view of how I measured up in the eyes of others, which translated to how I saw myself. There has already been a great deal of healing in this area but there has been a great deal of difficulty not falling into the black pit of negativity in the last year or so. With all of this medical stuff going on I have tended to see myself as a burden on others and quite frankly, rather useless. Not the best way to look at oneself, and certainly not a constructive visualization image! With Reiki 2 I have started to shift that to a view that is more acceptable and supporting of where I am at this time in my life. That doesn't make me any more patient with the waiting for a return to full health, but it makes my image of myself friendlier.

So I wish to be gentle with myself - not only through the medical and physical healing, but through the deeper spiritual and emotional healing that will give me the foundations I need to stand on my own and be true to myself.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Blooming

2010-04-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

With all of my medical stuff this week forcing me to limit my computer time beyond what little I can usually handle, I wasn't going to take time to participate in Wishcasting Wednesday until I saw the question:

How Do You Wish to BLOOM?

Since bloom is my word for this year, I just couldn't pass this by! Once my surgery (May 19), Spinal Tap (tomorrow), and a plan for how to handle my big nasty headaches (in ER on Easter) are under control I have big dreams of blooming out all over! I will be getting my Reiki level 2 attunement this Sunday if all goes well - meaning that if my spinal doesn't spawn another headache from hell - and I am looking into various other modalities that will complement Reiki and allow me to develop a healing practice where I can help others. Soon my house will be a little better, at least to a point where I can find things more easily, and I will be able to pursue my dreams with a fully open heart. I have struggled for so long to find myself that it is amazing and a little frightening to me to see myself blooming out so quickly.

I have to get off the computer now, but I will be wishing for all of you even if I am unable to make it to each of your posts!

Easter Vigil and Easter - Not the Holiday I had Planned

2010-04-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

My journey through the rest of Holy Week and Easter did not turn out as planned. I last wrote on Good Friday, and though I had the best of intentions of completing my meditations on Easter Vigil/Holy Saturday and Easter, a big thing got in the way. Easter Vigil began like any other Saturday before a Sunday holiday - preparing good food, enjoying the time puttering in the kitchen with my husband. I wasn't feeling my best, but not so bad that I could point out that I was feeling any worse than usual.

We gathered up our bells and went to church, where I realized something might not be right. The Easter Vigil service starts in the dark, out on the porch of the church where the priest strikes the new light of Easter and lights the Paschal Candle. The congregation lights their own candles from this great big special and beautiful candle, and then turning to share that light with their neighbors before filing in and filling the church. The first part of the service is then conducted solely by candlelight, as we read and sing together of the salvation history, from creation through the resurrection. Just before we read the Gospel, the whole church is lit up, we sing a beautiful Holy, Holy, Holy while ringing our bells and removing all of the black drapes that have covered the flowers and dressing the altar and clergy in their glorious golden Easter vestments. Easter has arrived!

With my uncertain balance, I waited inside for the rest of the congregation and choir. I had a bit of a headache, but nothing too horrible. I did notice myself flinching from the brightness as the lights came on and we completed the service, but I put it down to being tired and late at night. Joining the feast after the service I still felt a little odd, but again put it down to eating a light supper at 11:00 at night which is totally outside of my usual routines.

I went to church on Easter morning with a headache, thankful for my Easter bonnet that shaded my eyes from the direct glare of the overhead lights, even though I was still staring into the bright stained glass window that forms the wall behind the altar. Later, at brunch with my parents I noticed that the headache hadn't eased and that I did not eat as much as usual.

It hit that afternoon after the earthquake. My husband and I had gone back to our bedroom to lie down for a while and enjoy the quiet. Suddenly the quiet was shattered by the unmistakable sound of the house shaking with an earthquake. No big panic, but the intensity kept growing and the shaking kept going. At one point I stood up, thinking that it was over. No dice. It just kept on, and I began to feel a bit of panic as all of my childhood "earthquake preparedness" stories bubbled up, and the terrors that I thought I had put away came with them. Finally it ended, and we lay back down (after spending quite a bit of time looking it up online!). I stoically rode through the aftershocks, privately waiting for "the BIG one" that my childhood fears told me was still coming - especially since the cat was still crammed into the few inches between the floor and the bottom of our bed!

Shortly after that I noticed that my headache was ratcheting up in intensity. My husband was ready for dinner, but I was starting to get a bit nauseous so I passed. By six or so I called the nurse line to find out if I should be going to urgent care. Around seven the lovely nurse called back after conferring with a doctor - with my symptoms I should go to the Emergency Room.

By eight my mother had joined us for the wait. I had blood drawn and a couple of other tests. By that point I could barely walk. Finally, a bed was available and I was taken back. I've never been so happy to have drugs that work extremely quickly in my life! Unfortunately, they seemed to wear off quickly, too. A second dose and they sent me home around one in the morning.

It didn't do much beyond make me feel sick to my stomach. I think I slept a little, but not much. I listened to the rain and my husbands breathing until the alarm went off. My mom was coming to sit with me while my husband went in and got things started for the week with his staff so he could head back home and not have the phone ringing off the hook. I was in agony. The neurologist was called, and decided that we needed to try a migraine medication. Migraine? I've never had anything anyone ever called a migraine before, but I'll try it if it might help. I'd probably try anything at that point. It helped. Immediately.

So now I am working on yet another possibility for all of this pain and frustration. Migraines. In the meantime, we will still be doing a spinal tap to at least get a baseline reading if not a definitive diagnosis on the intracranial hypertension and removing my gallbladder as soon as we can get it set up. I'm so tired of being in so much pain!

Good Friday

2010-04-02T09:53:00.000-07:00

It seems odd to me that today dawned clear and bright. Good Friday is a day of deep darkness for many, for this is the day our Lord was crucified and buried.

It has been a personal tradition - learned from observation in my childhood church - to wear black today, as for a funeral, and to fast as much as I can without creating a medical issue for myself. I will spend the midday hours at church, where we will be spending time focused on the events of the cross.

Noon is the preferred time for services today because biblically it was at the noon hour that Jesus died. There was a solar eclipse, an earthquake, and the curtain in the temple that hid the Holy of Holies was torn in two from top to bottom. All creation recognized what we in our humanity did not.

Good Friday is a solemn day. A day of death and sadness. A day to reflect on what it was and is that put Jesus on the cross and what that horrific death granted to us.

Maundy Thursday

2010-04-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

Today is Maundy Thursday - the name comes from the latin for commandment, and recognizes Jesus' commandment to his disciples after he washes their feet to love one another as he has loved them and us. On a more literal level it is the institution of the Last Supper as it has been passed down to us in the Communion Service. To take bread and wine, bless them as Jesus did, and to share them with those gathered around the table with us in love and charity. This loving of community is a hard commandment to follow. It is even harder when, just a short while later, he is betrayed by a kiss from one of his own.

I believe today gives me the greatest glimpse into the foundations of the Christian tradition as I understand the day-to-day living of it. To serve those around me as generously and graciously as I would serve Jesus. To wait patiently and expectantly for the outcome, even when it seems that all is lost. To bask in the loveliness of each moment as it comes, full of the power and presence of the divine, even knowing that the loveliness may be hidden in what appears to me to be a heap of mouldering refuse.

Within the tradition I was raised in, today is the day to celebrate and remember the Last Supper, the Washing of the Feet, and the Vigil in the Garden. The services this evening throughout the Anglican, Episcopal, and Roman Catholic world share similarities in that they will, to some extent, re-enact each of these events. The Last Supper is communion. The washing of the feet often brings people to a point of discomfort, for who wants to have the priest (or bishop) kneel in front of them and wash their feet? It is even more uncomfortable when one realizes that the person kneeling there so humbly before you is there as the hands of Jesus, not as themselves only. My favorite part comes after the service, though. The vigil in the garden.

Growing up, my parish would decorate a special altar of repose, where the consecrated host would be placed with reverence and surrounded by white linens, vases of white flowers, and as many candles as we could fit onto the small portable altar. The church was left silent and available to any and all who wished to come and keep vigil with Jesus from the ending of the service on Thursday until noon on Good Friday, when that service started.

I loved to sit in the dark silence of the little church, steeped in the aroma of years of incense and candles, and watch the small flame of the red votive candle dance in the reflection of the immaculately polished paten beside it casting a rosy glow onto the white of the consecrated Host. This was holiness. Me and God, waiting for who knows what. As I grew older and went to a different church there were other traditions. I tried to keep the vigil, but without an altar of repose and with the church stripped bare in preparation for Good Friday I felt bereft. No candle shining through the dark, no aura of incense to remind me of the holiness of this place. There was no presence to wait with me, and I was plunged prematurely into the darkness of Good Friday. I wanted to bask just a little longer at the feet of the living Jesus, to offer my presence back to Him in His hour of agonized prayer as He had been with me in mine.

Tonight I seek again that moment of close communion with Jesus. The depth of the beginning time of the Triduum - the holy days of Eastertide. I am going to a different church, one that is a bit closer to the traditions of my childhood. But not only do I know that the church is different, I am different. I, too, am in a time of waiting for my trials to be completed. I, too, am suffering still from the sting of betrayal. I feel ready for this season this year, and I am throwing myself headlong into the rituals as I know them.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Accomplishments

2010-03-31T07:11:00.000-07:00

Today's Wishcasting Wednesday question from Jamie is spot on!

What do you wish to accomplish?

I wish to accomplish developing routines that support and nourish me, and by extension, my family.

One of the healthiest times in my life was when I had a routine that was almost monastic in it's development and implementation. I loved knowing that each day would start and end in a specific way. I would have certain days to do certain tasks instead of rushing all over creation to get it all done today. I had time and energy left over to nourish myself more deeply and truly.

This is my goal and my wish - to find the spark within me again to develop a healthy routine for this stage of my life and to support myself with the familiarity and freedom it gives me.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Taking a Break

2010-03-24T07:19:00.000-07:00

Today's Wishcasting Wednesday question from the lovely Jamie is

What do you wish to take a break from?

The very first thing that comes to mind is that I wish to take a break from all of this healing drama! I went in last week for a spinal tap that the neurologist decided he couldn't complete after all. I'm waiting to hear from the radiology department to reschedule and have it done under fluoroscope. In the meantime I have been set up for a consult with a surgeon about my gallbladder, I have broken a tooth, had more blood taken for testing, and am fed up with spending a lot of my time in doctor's offices.

I know that I have ignored myself for way too long, but to have it all come crashing down on me this way has been quite disheartening. Then I remind myself that I did invite it all by seeking Reiki training, though my first attunement came after much of this had already started. I just completed my first 21 days with Reiki 1 and am continuing to learn a great deal.

Which leads to another thing I need to take a break from - my head. I have taken my Reiki and tried to turn it into an intellectually understandable exercise. I've been devouring books on energy and psychic healing, chakra systems, auras, and all manner of other healing modalities. But all of that has been a cover for actually sitting down and using the energy and finding out what it means for me. I am burying myself in my head, seeking out what Reiki means to everyone else, then comparing myself to what I find. It isn't pretty.

Parts of my healing that come together, today I declare that I am taking a break from focusing on my medical issues and trying to live only in my head. What are you taking a break from?

P.S. I am wishing heartily for each of you, even though I am still having difficulty spending much time on the computer and reading or commenting.

Anger and Gallstones

2010-03-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

I have been working on issues of swallowing anger and injustice and letting it sit inside festering into bitterness. I've known I have a temper issue for a while, but it took this most recent diagnosis of gallstones to really make me take a look at what is going on. Who does it hurt more when I choke back any expression of hurt and upset? Certainly not the person or system I am hiding it from. I am not advocating just flying off the handle, either. That is equally dangerous. I am learning, however, to stop being afraid of powerful, just anger in myself.

Screaming into a pillow or punching the daylights out of some poor inanimate object is still something that a part of me cringes in shame and fear at. So my poor husband listens patiently as I rant and rave and pace through the house, or I go to my journal and pour out my hurt and anger onto the page in words that I may or may not understand later. It is a start.

The hardest part is what to do when I have physically expressed my feelings but there is still a physical sensation of helplessness and terror inside of me. The part that wants to hide from all of the white hot intensity of my rage. The part that was the white hot rage and has cooled and deflated until it doesn't know itself anymore. The part that is still hurt by what was done or said but is not angry. Just hurt and sad.

I like to think that I can simply curl my arms around myself, give myself a Reiki self-treatment, and let it go. But it stays. It is hidden in the smallest parts of my, like mold or mildew that slowly multiplies undetected until I burst out from it's hidden den and back into my awareness with it's illness.

Removing my gallbladder will remove the stones of a lifetime of bitterness accumulated unawares, but it cannot remove the emotional residue left behind by that bitterness. That is up to me.

It seems that daily I am made to face this issue now. My husband still works for the same people who betrayed me so deeply last June, and I want to protect him from their deceit and underhanded ways. He struggles so hard on the side of God and Justice and they are constantly creating lies and crises he must deal with. It hurts me deeply to see from the outside what they must have done to me as they built up to that final betrayal that still cuts me like a knife. I am bitter and angry with myself for not being able to function through the physical pain I am in, as if I could break through to the other side if only I try hard enough or push myself far enough. I resent my current position of "weakness" - being unable to work outside of the home, being unable to bring my home out of chaos and into a place of refuge and peace, being in so much pain and so tired.

Daily I lift up the whole thing to God, asking for guidance and help. With my health struggles, I seek to make it through the day without another crisis. To hold up my end of the bargain and pull my own weight. But the bitterness intrudes even in my moments of peace.

I am actually looking forward to the gallbladder surgery. The cessation of the constant pain will be a blessing. Rather like looking forward to the Lumbar Puncture. I know that there will be pain following it, but after that acute pain heals I will be out from under my current burden of constant dull, dragging, draining physical pain.

So I do what I can do. I write. I fold the laundry. I do a small bit here and there as I can. I let myself cry in frustration even when it makes my headache and vision worse. I seek answers within myself and with God. I crawl into God's lap and curl up there, waiting for the healing that I have been promised. Taking the small steps as I am shown them that add up to a larger whole.

Let's Try This Again

2010-03-19T06:26:00.000-07:00

I am thankful I have a wise neurologist. We started the lumbar puncture yesterday but he was unable to get the needle where it needed to go. There were several tries, but it just would not get to a place where he could feel safe completing the procedure. So now I have a very tender lower back where the muscles and ligaments protested the intrusion of a large needle and a wait for Radiology to call to schedule a time for me to go to the hospital to have the procedure done under Fluoroscope.

There is certainly a sense of deflation that it has not been done, as I had spent a great deal of time preparing myself for the follow up and after care that I knew I would need and now I must start the waiting and build up process over again.

Today's Procedure and a Blog Break

2010-03-18T07:06:00.000-07:00

Today I will be seeing my neurologist for a lumbar puncture, also called a spinal tap. I had no idea that a spinal tap was anything other than a really loud band that I never listened to until I had to experience my first one 9 years ago. It is not a difficult procedure, but one that can have some pretty serious complications if it is not done properly.

Essentially, I will be going to the neurologists office where he will be inserting a large hollow needle between two vertebrae and into the spinal sac in my lower back. First, he will check the pressure of the fluid and then decide if any needs to be drained off in addition to the small amount needed to be sent to the lab for analysis. Once the needle is removed, I will need to stay very flat for as long as it takes for the little hole to stop leaking and heal over. It is this leak that causes the headaches that I am known to have had with past procedures.

For a better explanation, you can visit this link. It goes into really deep detail, though.

I will be away from my computer and lounging flat on my back in a pillow less bed for a few days in any case, but hope that this one will heal quickly for me. My last one took me 14 days to be able to sit up again without excruciating pain. See why I've been trying to put this off? Unfortunately, a lumbar puncture is the only way to make a definitive diagnosis of Intracranial Hypertension so here I am.

I am looking forward to some resolution from this. It should give us some answers as to my headaches and vision disturbances, and to know where to go from here. In addition, it will hopefully create a baseline record to work with in establishing or disproving the diagnosis of Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension that I have lived with for the last 9 years.

Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated. Thank you! I hope to be back to my usual lurking and occasional commenting on your blogs soon!

Wishcasting Wednesday - Pay Attention

2010-03-17T06:49:00.000-07:00

Today's Wishcasting Wednesday question from Jamie is

What do you wish to pay attention to?

With my work that I am doing with Reiki I and preparing for Reiki II in April, I wish to pay attention to my intuition, my guides, my angels, and most of all to myself. I have been learning incredible and amazing things about healing and moving toward my highest good these last 17 days since my Level I attunement, and I know that it is because I have been paying attention.

Tomorrow I have a Lumbar Puncture, also known as a Spinal Tap, to attempt to diagnose this health condition I have been struggling with. I am rather dreading it, as the last two times I have experienced this procedure I have been flat on my back with the worlds worst headache for 9-14 days. I have been preparing with extra Reiki self treatments and plenty of affirmations and visualizations, but there is certainly still some apprehension. I am paying attention to what my body is telling me, and working with those concerns as I look toward my continuing healing.

I continue to have difficulty with my eyes and computers, that is part of what the spinal is for, so please know that I am wishing heartily for each of you even if I can only leave a brief message on your blogs.

Update for Friday

2010-03-12T07:36:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update (unless I start rambling, which is a distinct possibility!) for today. It looks like posts will continue to be sparse around here for a couple of weeks longer, as I am preparing to undergo an MRI and Spinal Tap next week (Monday and Thursday). In the past I have not had a great recovery time for Spinal Taps - think 9-14 days flat on my back, unable to lift my head, with an agonizing headache - but have great hope that with this doctor and his understanding of the Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension recurrence that we suspect and are creating a baseline for diagnosis of things will go better. Also at some point in the near future I will be meeting with a surgeon to discuss the removal of my gallbladder, which is apparently quite full of some really nasty stones. The diagnosis is not new to me - I have known about having gallstones for 5 or so years now but have kept the attacks under control with diet and exercise. Unfortunately they have now grown to the point where that is no longer an option. Ugh.

With Lent being nearly over, I must confess that all of this medical stuff has been an important part of my Lenten discipline of taking steps on the path of learning to truly love myself. I find that I have neglected and denied my physical self and needs for so long that now I am paying the price. It seems overwhelming that it is all coming at once, but I know that having opened the door, everything is rushing in because my body can no longer prioritize the pain and needs that it has. Working slowly through this, especially with the use of Reiki, has been an amazing experience so far. Yes, I do still get really depressed about it. I have had my share of "if this is what I truly am, just take me out and shoot me now!" moments. In the end, I know that I will be healthier, clearer, wiser, and more compassionate. The journey, however, is not an easy one.

I find that in embracing the 21 day self-healing portion of my Reiki 1 training, I am getting a better grip of how the Reiki energy is working on me. I would have expected it to go to the physical level of the dis-ease that I am manifesting, but although I find that it has an effect on it, that is not the primary level of work. Neither is the emotional level, though it has done wonders for me at that point. The energy seems to be working at the very deepest spiritual levels to find the lessons that I need to learn in order to not repeat these physical issues. Most of them are lessons that have appeared in my life numerous times. I would pat each issue on the head saying, "oh, look! I need to deal with (name the issue)! Isn't it cute?" and then shove it back under the rug and tell myself that I had dealt with it sufficiently. Hah!

While I believe that I must treat the physical illnesses, I do believe that there are deeper lessons and issues tied to them and that in order to heal these chronic issues I must work on the deeper levels even as I work on the physical level. It certainly isn't easy, and I find my dreams and unguarded moments full of thoughts of things that I had thought were long gone and dealt with. It can be very difficult at times, but I know that this time I am aware enough to take each one to God for counsel, learning, and ultimately, healing. I may not be strong enough to see or acknowledge the complexity and enormity of some issues, but I am doing what I can with what I have, and that is enough. God is with me and will give me what I can handle.

Enough rambling! Have a pleasant day, and I hope to be back soon!

Wishcasting Wednesday - No

2010-03-10T06:49:00.000-08:00

Today, Jamie asks the Wishcasting Community

What do you wish to say no to?

On a personal level, I wish to say no to the apathy that feels like a threatening fog waiting to envelop me as I struggle through this phase of my illness. I have been dealing so long with the daily questioning of "how are you?" and "can you function today?" not only from myself but from those around me who are concerned, that I sometimes wish I could just roll over and give in to the symptoms that oppress me. I know that thinking like that only makes it worse, but expressing it helps me to deal with it. I have the tools to help me, but they cannot clear the energy completely yet, and so I still struggle daily to maintain my use of those tools - Reiki, positive thinking, Healing Touch, meditation.

With this personal drama going on, I also wish to say no to the negativity and attacks on my husband and his work. The same people who attacked me last June are doing their best to do the same thing to him. Fortunately, he learned from my experiences and has been able to see the web of lies and deceit that they are attempting to weave. Unfortunately he has been cutting through the lies and showing them the truth which only upsets them more because they cannot stand the good and they attack harder. All of this from the county-wide leadership of a Christian denomination. Sometimes it makes me wonder how I can still be a Christian in any sense, even if my definition of Christianity is different from theirs (thank any and all gods out there for that!).

So I wish to say no to the defeatist attitudes, the negativity, the dark clouds of depression, the attacking evil of others under evil influences, and all manner of That Which Is Not Good; we are children of Light and we live in the Light.

P.S. I still have difficulty working for long on a computer so please know that I am commenting as I can and wishing with all my heart for each of you, even if I cannot make it to your blog or if my comment is short.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Time

2010-03-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

This week's Wishcasting Wednesday Question from Jamie of Jamie Ridler Studios is a really good one:

What do you wish to make time for?

This one is difficult on so many levels for me! Much of it comes down to health and energy levels rather than time, though when I had the health and energy to do be able to do more I had a few things I struggled to schedule. So I will go back (or ahead) to when I am healthy again with this wish!

I wish to make time for my house and myself. I have always resented the time it will take to bring my house out of chaos and into order, and then the amount of time that it takes to keep it orderly and happy. Of course, it is a form of self care for me because the better my house feels the better I feel. Which leads to the second part of my wish, to have time to take care of myself. I need to exercise more, cook nourishing foods, and in general do the things that will keep me healthy and whole. Of course, there are things that I would rather be doing, but these are important ones to me.

I have been trying to see this time of enforced stillness as if it were time spent in the seed, waiting to be ready to start fresh and to live more authentically. After my Reiki I attunement this past Sunday I feel that I am on the right track to blossoming into my authentic self. Perhaps as I continue to grow and bloom I will discover the lessons that are within this illness that I am trying to learn as I seek to return to health.

P.S. As I still am not much better on time I can spend looking at a computer screen, please know that I would love to be able to write more as I comment and wish with you on your blogs but that I am wishing deeply for each you even if all I can leave is a sentence!

Happy St. David's Day

2010-03-01T09:44:00.001-08:00

If you are Welsh you will know this as a day of Welsh National pride and history. If not, just sit back and enjoy the explosion of daffodil joy as we welcome March!

Yesterday I had a beautiful day getting my level 1 Reiki attunement. I am studying through Judy Knoll of The Healing Center of San Diego, who is an excellent teacher.

I am finding it hard to put into words what Level 1 has already done for me. My energy level is much higher than it has been, although my symptoms have not been completely alleviated. I came home last night and had the energy to stand in the kitchen with my husband, talking nonstop, while he cooked. I haven't done that in months. Lately it has been all I could do to sit quietly in my corner of the couch in our living room with the lights dimmed while he did the cooking. We laughed a lot - something else that has been missing from my life lately. I am also finding my outlook on life has improved. The depression that was weighing my spirit down has become a lighter burden to walk with.

In the coming days I will be journaling with this journey of developing my Reiki. There is a 21 day cleansing/opening/adjusting process as I give myself daily treatments and work on treating others. Most of the journaling will be private, but I plan on sharing a bit here, too. There is so much for me to learn, and I know that Reiki has much to teach me. I can feel the joy waiting for me to grow enough to embrace it fully.

And this morning the coyotes sang for me!

Wishcasting Wednesday - Permission

2010-02-24T08:38:00.000-08:00

Today at Jamie Ridler Studios, Jamie asks us

What do you wish to give yourself permission for?

Do you have all day? I probably have a list a mile long! It all comes down to giving myself permission to discover my authentic self and to live from that place of truth.

So much of my life is currently ruled by fear. Fear of the power that I hold within myself. Fear of what others will say of any non-conformity I may exhibit. Fear of the unique place I occupy in this world. Fear of the changes that living my power and truth will bring to my life and the lives of those around me. Fear that my current illnesses will hold me back. Fear that my current illnesses are caused by my fear of living my fullest truth and power. Fear that my current illnesses are a catalyst to a new life. Fear that my current illnesses are simply that illnesses and that they will never go away. Fear that the demons whispering inside of me, urging me to do something I know is foolish and unhelpful, will wear down my resistance and cause deep damage. Fear that if anyone knew what was going on inside of me, how much and how powerful my fears were, that I would remain an outcast for the rest of my days.

I wish to give myself permission to feel the fear and then to move on. To befriend that fear as a teacher and guide on my path to my deepest truth. To know that fear is a key to unlocking my passionate, powerful, exquisitely beautiful, divinely gifted Truth and not fear the fear.

I will write myself a permission slip today, decorated with paints and colors, signed with a flourish in a wild color. Embrace the fear and truly feel it, learn from it and grow into myself.

P.S. One of my frustrations as my illness is progressing is that I cannot spend the time on the computer that I wish to. Know that I long to post encouraging thoughts to each of you, but for the sake of my vision and headaches must limit myself to wishing with you briefly in words. Know that I will carry each of your wishes into the world with me for pondering and wishing with away from the painful light of the computer screen.

Pathways

2010-02-19T07:47:00.001-08:00

I was reading Goddess Leonie's post today about walking her wise woman way over on Goddess Guidebook when I was struck by the idea of remembering who each of us is inside, and that we have a connection to much greater wisdom than we know if we would only take the time to listen and plug ourselves in to it.

Wednesday I went to meet my new general practitioner, and I handed her a long list of current symptoms and drug intolerances. Our family jokes about it, but we have not been known for having easily diagnosed or treated medical issues. This is part of my path as a healer, because if I could simply go to the doctor and take drugs to fix (or cover up) things I would never have had to turn to alternative medicine. Not being medically "normal" has opened my world wider than I ever would have imagined. I see plants as allies and friends, able to ease some of my discomfort when little else can. Folk remedies and energy healing bring their own relief. But I walk this path alone in so many ways.

Like Goddess Leonie, I struggle with trying to fit in, trying to shape myself so that I can be a part of that "sea of normal" that she describes. Most of the time I do a pretty admirable job of it, but at what cost? Since July I have been trying to understand this cost to myself. I have hidden my light under a mountain of rubble in the effort to please people who only care about how much they can control and manipulate others into doing things that are detrimental to any individuality they may possess. For two years I focused my life on fitting in at my workplace, doing my best to not let on to myself that I was letting their ridicule of me destroy any personal strength I may have had. When they destroyed me by their final deep betrayal I began the long process of slowly digging out of that pile of rubble that I had pulled down upon myself. Only now am I beginning to see my light shine more brightly than it has in a long time. I am returning to the wisdom of the path I was created to walk, listening to the knowledge deep inside of me that tells me how to ease the headaches, how to use what little energy I have to make it last longer, how to care for myself and eventually others.

I may not be around as much for a time, as my symptoms are progressing. I have less and less tolerance for the brightness of the computer screen (or pretty much any bright lights) and the headaches, general soreness, feelings of illness and fatigue are worsening. I have an MRI and Venigram scheduled for March 15th and Spinal Tap following on the 18th, but am on a list to get in earlier if there is a cancellation.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Difference

2010-02-17T08:09:00.000-08:00

Today is Ash Wednesday, marking the beginning of a 40-day journey toward Easter. This has always been an important time in my year, one that in the past was characterized by attempting to give something up and making an outward show of repentance. That is what was required, and I was always an obedient child in that respect. But for about 15 or so years now I have been on a slightly different journey with Lent.

It began in my freshman year at college as I spent much of Lent barely conscious in my dorm room with an undiagnosed illness. March passed me by completely, and I was barely convalescent by Easter. Walking outside was a miracle, and I felt that I had experienced a resurrection of my own as I went to church. It was a literal shift in thinking, but it planted seeds that were nurtured for many years before coming to light. In 2003 I was part of an amazing experience called the Micah Project. This is an intense discernment year hosted by the Diocese of Massachusetts and held in Boston. During that time I was surrounded by spiritual friends and teachers in a way that I had never experienced before. They saw me with fresh eyes. Having just been diagnosed with a mild (are they ever mild?) eating disorder in the weeks leading up to Ash Wednesday, my internship mentor and spiritual director both suggested that, having proved how capable I was of denying myself, I needed to take on a discipline of self care for Lent. What? I could do something like that?

Since that challenge seven years ago, my Lenten discipline has been less about denial and more about what I can do to nurture my soul and reconnect to Spirit. This year I will be doing several things, at least one of which will challenge me deeply as it comes up against some of my fears.

One: obey my doctors. This is a difficult one, because at this point I have an MRI, a Venigram, and a Spinal Tap scheduled. The last is the worst, because I have not had a good recovery record from them previously.

Two: take care of myself. While this includes such exciting things as taking Level 1 Reiki training (just two more weeks!), it will also challenge me to play (not something I am good at) and to examine my relationship with myself through an experience of Radical Self Love.

Three: make time to connect deeply with Spirit. I have been so shut down with my fears and illness that I have not made the time to do the things that nurture my relationship with the divine.

Appropriately to me, Jamie asks us on this Ash Wednesday

Where do you wish to make a difference?

Having said all of that about Lent and Journeying, I wish to make a difference first and foremost within myself. I struggle with self-loathing and a host of other things that tear me down, and I have come to recognize that until I can treat myself with true gentleness and love I cannot truly treat anyone else with gentleness and love. I grew up hearing the entreaty to "love thy neighbor as thyself" but have only now learned that in order to love my neighbor I must love myself. Otherwise, even though I treat those around me with utmost respect and love they will look at how I treat myself and wonder if I am secretly judging them, tearing them down in my heart, and that doubt will poison the gifts I am offering.

My greatest desire is to make a difference in the lives of others who struggle; to be a beacon of hope to those still in the darkness. So I am preparing my lamp to shine brightly.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Travel

2010-02-10T07:14:00.000-08:00

This week Jamie asks the Wishcasting Community

Where do you wish to travel?

I have many travel dreams, almost all connected in some way to stories from my childhood and dreams of a climate and experience different from the coastal desert and high desert that I am intimately familiar with.

My family stories connect me to my fascination with Canada - my grandmother was born in a homestead on the prairie in Saskatchewan and moved with her family to Vancouver where she met my grandfather. After they married they were lured by friends to Southern California, where my mother was born and they stayed until their deaths. With occasional visits to family throughout my childhood I saw only small glimpses of Vancouver and heard quite a few stories of what they missed when family visited us. I have never seen any other part of Canada, and if you add in the books like Anne of Green Gables and Emily of New Moon I have quite a list of places Canadian that I would like to see.

With a family lineage directly connected to England I don't remember the first time I remember wanting to visit. I have been several times, and each time I leave wishing to see more and stay longer. My fascination has expanded to include Scotland and Wales, especially with the further genealogical work my dad has done and my own spiritual journey.

Having married a man who was raised (at least part of his life) in a remote and tiny town in Alaska on Glacier Bay and hearing the stories he tells of the beauty and awesomeness of Alaska, that is also on my travel list. For quite a while I have wished to see the Northern Lights and also to see the glaciers and all - mostly this manifested in the desire for two different trips, a cruise and a second trip since the best time for the Northern Lights is winter.

My husband is also of Danish descent, and learning about Danish traditions and foods from an amazing neighbor of my parents has gotten me interested in Denmark as well.

I have quite an itinerary, and hope someday soon to be able to travel in more than my imagination (which has logged more than a few billion miles itself!).

On a less literal note, I wish to travel the path of healing set before me. While it may not be as romantic as a bed and breakfast in a secluded cottage overlooking a highland loch it is much more practical. I believe now that the medical tests are coming in that my current illness is much exacerbated by stress and that is something I can do something about on my own. So I have set my foot upon this path and I will travel it as far as it leads me.

Where are your travel dreams leading you?

Quick Update

2010-02-08T20:04:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I had two episodes of total blindness. Each lasted a minute or so, and I just ignored them. Yup. Clear signs that things are getting worse, and I ignore them. Of course I've been ignoring the escalation of my symptoms for a long time. I guess that is what happens when your doctor tells you "it's all in your head" and he isn't making a bad joke (he isn't my doctor anymore, either). With my eyesight getting worse anyway this was a wake-up call and I went in to see my optometrist this morning. He sent me over to urgent care, where I managed to baffle three doctors. On the bright side, I provided an opportunity for them to play with a new "toy" - a new instrument for performing visual checks of the back of the eye. From there I met with a neurologist and tomorrow I am heading to an ophthalmologist to establish a baseline record and figure out where to go from here. It sounds like an exciting ride, as my experiences with IIH (Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension) symptoms have not been this thoroughly checked out previously. Don't get me wrong, my diagnosing doctor was wonderful and did what was available at the time, but there is more that they can do now.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Stories

2010-02-03T08:59:00.000-08:00

Today, Jamie asks us

What story do you wish to live or let go of?

I wish to live the story that my soul has been quietly singing to me since birth, the story of myself as spiritual being and healer. So far (at least since I can remember making this kind of choice) I have resisted this story, fearing the change that it would bring into my life. Fearing being "different" or labeled as "strange". I had enough of that in my childhood without embracing the truth that I am a unique creature, though by no means was I "normal" to the crowd that I met in school! So now I am 9 years and my third flare-up into a diagnosis of a life-changing condition, and I am finally realizing that it is just going to keep happening until I embrace the change and lessons this condition has to bring me. I'm a little slow at grasping the obvious when motivated by deep fears of change and being "different"!

On the other side of that same coin, I wish to let go of the story that tells me that it is wrong to be "different", that I must strive to be the same as those I have been surrounded by all my life. That story no longer fits, has never truly fit, and I need to let go of it. I have struggled with the dichotomies of my self for too long, never really finding a place where I belonged. I joined a Christian Healing Order thinking that I would find people who accepted alternative healing methods as part of the system of healing prayer and discovered that I was a "witch" and a "heretic" for utilizing or studying such systems as Reiki and Healing Touch. I found a local Herbal Studies program and hoped that I would fit there, but it became obvious when I was not interested in mind-altering herbs that I was too "straight" and "stuffy" for them. I have wandered long, one foot in one world, the other foot in another. It is time to embrace my experiences for what they are: my personal story, the lessons I had to learn to be the person I am today. I now see myself as a bridge - I was raised as a strict vegetarian at a time when my peers and their parents had no experience with vegetarians; my paternal grandmother whom I admired was a strong, wild woman (and I take after her in many ways) who lived alone in the middle of nowhere; I was raised in an Anglo-Catholic Episcopal church that still clings to the old ways, but have spiritual experiences and knowledge that are not acknowledged by such a background; my feet have always been in two worlds, I think.

In reality, my wish today is to embrace my story for what it is: to live the truth of my soul while letting go of the parts of the past that I held onto but were not my truth or my story.

What stories do you have to tell?

Yarn Stash and a Birthday Weekend

2010-02-02T20:09:00.000-08:00

Much has been happening here at the cottage, and I have been adventuring through the dresser where I am attempting to organize my yarn stash. This has kept me quite busy, but has not been particularly interesting!

Over the weekend the family celebrated my bonus daughter's birthday with a trip to Corvette Diner for lunch. What a hoot! She and my husband had never been there, and my family hadn't been in a long time. Since it has recently relocated close to where my parents live it made a perfect lunch outing. We were seated in the Groovy Room, complete with black lights, a yellow submarine, and a table that held shadows for a few minutes after you covered it with something. Rosie, our waitress, put 26 straws in the birthday girl's hair in quite the wild and wacky updo to top it all off! After we had stuffed ourselves on burgers and malts we finished up at my parent's house with Chocolate Raspberry cupcakes from a local bakery and Harney and Sons Valentine's Chocolate tea with Rosebuds, which my mom had picked up at Kimberly Shaw's open house at Christmas time. I really enjoyed the tea and mentioned that I might order some for our house when I saw that Kimberly is giving away a tin as part of a really neat give away on her blog. Of course I entered, but I certainly don't want to be selfish and keep such a sweet gift a secret!

We finished the weekend by visiting the snow in the local mountains as we made the drive to return my bonus daughter to her mother. It was as cold and slippery as I remembered it from living for a time in Boston, but for the bonus daughter it was a novel and fun experience. We had packed a picnic lunch and ate at a picnic table surrounded by snow, watching people sledding down the hill among the trees around us. I kept waiting for them to crash into the abundant trees, but that only happened once. She was able to make a cute little snowman from the icy snow pellets and played to her hearts content while I ended up back in the car to warm up!

I think that covers the weekend, now back to the stash organization!

An Update and Some Felted Flowers

2010-01-29T06:45:00.000-08:00

Things have been busy around here... I have an appointment with a doctor in a couple of weeks to start the process of getting to know them and developing a new network of specialists. When I was first diagnosed with IIH I had a team of caregivers including my optometrist who first noticed something wasn't right, my primary care physician, a neurologist, and a neuro-opthamologist. Doesn't that sound exciting? In all honesty, it was the best care I have received so far. Once my insurance changed I was assigned to a doctor and neurologist who told me that "it was all in my head" and that I was simply making all of this up to get attention. The neurologist even scheduled my therapeutic Lumbar Puncture (aka spinal tap) just to make me stop telling him something was wrong. It was such a horrible experience of care that I have avoided doctors for the last three or four years and successfully managed to convince myself that I wasn't feeling any of the symptoms again. Thank you to everyone who expressed support for me on this journey of learning to be compassionate with myself through all of this. I do suspect that I will be keeping you somewhat abreast of what happens as there is little out there about living with this condition. If it can help someone else who is living with this then I will do what I can. Perhaps it will even keep me honest with myself about taking care of it.

I have also been crocheting flowers like crazy. The flowers turned out quite lovely, and I even managed to remember to take a before picture of the last two before I felted them! Below is a picture of two white roses - one large and one bud, that I took prior to felting along with two similar felted flowers.

Below is the collection of flowers I delivered to At Home With Laurie Ann, a local design store that I made this particular batch for. We had lots of fun dreaming up places to put felted flower pins, and I did in fact put one on a felted hat that I had made a while ago. It looks really cute! To the center left you can see the large white rose from the above picture while the white bud is next to the turquoise flower to the right, both after the felting process.
I hope to have some more pictures up soon of the projects I completed as Christmas presents this year. I know it is a bit late to be showing of Christmas projects, but I used my dad's camera to take the pictures and then forgot that they were there until recently!

Wishcasting Wednesday - Awakening

2010-01-27T06:37:00.000-08:00

Today, over at Jamie Ridler Studios, Jamie asks us

What do you wish to awaken?

I wish to awaken compassion for myself in dealing with my chronic conditions. I don't like to admit that I have these health challenges, so even sharing about them is difficult. (Those little voices in the back of my head are yelling about how I'm talking about this to get attention and pity, both of which I avoid like the plague, so I don't see why talking about this is seeking them. Of course, if someone else were to talk about their mental and physical health struggles, I would be encouraging them all the way. See why I need to be more compassionate with myself?)

I live with severe clinical depression, some Seasonal Affective Disorder, and a more unusual condition called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (IIH). This last condition means that, for a general description, my body produces too much Cerebro Spinal Fluid which squishes everything in my skull but most especially the optic nerve. It isn't deadly, which is how one of it's old names - Benign Intracranial Hypertension - came about, but the optic nerve is affected which could lead to blindness if not taken care of. Another old name for it is Pseudo Tumor Cerebri (fake brain tumor) since the symptoms often mimic a brain tumor but without the growth. On a more practical level it means that I am lucky in that I live with (generally mild and tolerable) light sensitivity and a general low-grade (to me) headache that sometimes spikes into oh-god-just-let-my-head-explode-and-get-it-over-with. Ironic that to help the SAD I need sunlight, isn't it? The other bright spot (I say this quite tongue in cheek) is that the headaches produced by IIH cannot be relieved with pain relievers, especially over the counter ones. Doesn't touch that kind of nerve pain. So you suck it up and live with it.

Unfortunately, since I do live with these conditions, I find that I can be quite hard on myself. "Other people live with far worse, what are you moping about for?" is a favorite. "You're just using that as an excuse to not do (fill in the blank)" is another. This one usually comes out of hiding when I'm having a bad headache day because one of the no-nos is doing anything that could raise the pressure in the skull any higher, which includes sneezing, coughing, crying, blowing your nose, lifting anything over 5 pounds, or generally anything requiring the use of your core muscles. And caffeine. That's a killer.

Since I am in the process of finding a new doctor (I've put it off for over a year after a really bad experience) because my conditions are progressing, all of my excuses and hardness on myself are coming out. So yes, I wish to awaken compassion for myself. I can make all kinds of excuses for someone else, make them go take extra good care of themselves if they are not feeling quite right, even do the taking care of them for them if they need it. But the minute it looks like I need that same compassion for myself I discover that I have all kinds of resistance to it. I need to be gentler on myself.

What are you wishing for today?

The Return of the Sun

2010-01-25T07:55:00.000-08:00

It seems almost anticlimactic to be posting this morning with the sun streaming in the windows and not a cloud in the sky (at least that I can see from where I am sitting with my computer). Especially after all of that drama last week! More is predicted, but I will wait and see instead of getting all excited for it and being disappointed when the currents shift it's path.

Instead, I am currently focused rather intently on finishing up an order of felted flowers. It has been great fun to crochet up dozens of flower patters and then felting them. The transformation they undergo is pretty fun. Perhaps as I am working on them today I will be able to remember to take pictures of before and after! (No promises, as I am notoriously bad at remembering to take pictures until it is too late, but I will do my best to remember). With today's sunshine it makes me feel as if Spring is just around the corner. Then I remind myself that really, here, we don't have Spring. We have Rainy Season and Dry Season. On bad years we add in Fire Season. So with all of this rain, I am already having my Spring and Winter all rolled into one!

There are a great many projects rolling around in this little brain of mine... a pillow for one of my rocking chairs embellished with a doily crocheted in large fuzzy yarn; a garland for my mantel of crocheted stars and flower motifs; several baby blanket ideas; some crocheted lace chargers for my table, probably in a chunky wool and felted but maybe just in worsted weight instead of thread; and a felted plant pot cover for my windowsill garden. I'll just have to get really busy if I'm going to get all of this done along with any of my other, more pedestrian responsibilities!

Speaking of which, it is time to return to those duties: today is housekeeping day and the laundry is ready to go into the dryer so I must be off. Have a lovely day!

Wild Weather and Good Tea

2010-01-22T10:38:00.000-08:00

Wild nights are my glory. - Mrs. Whatsit, A Wrinkle in Time

Wild days, too. Here I was, quietly minding my own business and watching the clouds drifting through out of the corner of my eye when the world went dark, small hail began falling from nowhere, and a brilliant flash illuminated the little ice pellets bouncing like miniature toy balls on the ground followed a moment later by a roll of thunder that seemed to be a wheel traveling into eternity, shaking the earth around it before fading away. Even as the storm cell recedes and the birds come out of their hiding places, the thunder rumbles on though ever-decreasing in volume.

Yesterday our county recorded the lowest ever barometer reading since they started recording in 1881: 29.15 inches of mercury. This record low pressure front that has moved through is trailing plenty of unstable weather which makes for interesting weather watching. I didn't realize that I was so fascinated by the weather, but I suppose it helps to have interesting weather to watch! Most of the time there isn't much to see here.

The Cottage is situated in a valley that nestles up against a mountain in Southern California, where the weather patterns are generally quite stable. It does mean, however, that I am having to learn that the inland valley microclimate is a whole different microclimate than the coastal microclimate in which I was born and raised. The range of plants available to someone seeking to create a water-wise garden is quite wide, though the number of typical garden vegetable plants is far more limited! I am having fun researching the native plants that I could choose for my small space, and even more fun learning about the various medicinal and ceremonial uses for them. I haven't made any decisions yet, but with share when plans come into the works.

In the meantime, I will share with you a favorite tea blend I make with a lovely and fragrant native herb (and which has been a staple in my pot with all of this crazy and cool weather!):

For 1 cup of tea combine 1 tsp or 1 teabag of good, plain black tea with 1/2 tsp of dried or 1 tsp of fresh white sage leaves, broken up into small pieces. Steep for 4 minutes in just-boiling water and remove the tea and sage. The sage is quite strong, so I will sometimes soften it with just a hint of local wildflower honey or agave syrup though stevia or sugar will work also. If you prefer green tea this will work, but it would be preferable to use garden or common sage to allow the flavors to work better together! Sage is quite a warming herb and enjoys being mixed with other herbs like rosemary and thyme to help clear up congestion and breathing difficulties when suffering from a cold.

Eyes on the Sky

2010-01-21T13:35:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking about posting all day. Really. But I found it much more fascinating to sit by the window, yarn and hook in hand, watching the weather happen. Today was supposed to be the biggest storm of the three hitting us this week. That meant all kinds of stuff: high winds (waking up to the wind sounding like a freight train can get your day off to a wild start), possible thunderstorms (haven't seen any yet, but I keep hoping), possible hail (and one report suggested some new-to-me form of precipitation - graupel - which I had to research), and possibly the lowest barometric pressure ever recorded in this county. Of course I was glued to the greatest show happening today!

Weather aside, things have been quiet at the cottage. A lot of icky inner work as I prepare to dig deeper into my creative little brain and figure out how to put together all of the pieces that have been put together to make me me actually fit and can be shared with the world. I have been given definite passions and gifts and I want to take them out of the box I have stuffed them into and actually put them to the use for which they were intended. Except that I do not yet know what that use is. Small glitch in the plan, there. But I have been given the gift of faith and have learned tools to use in discernment so I plan on starting there. Searching for the key to the box where I have shoved all of my gifts and passions is not easy work. It is messy and downright gross at times. Not to mention painful. But in the end it is satisfying work because I know that I am right where God wants me. Stay tuned, it could be as interesting as the ever-shifting weather today!

Wishcasting Wednesday - Family

2010-01-20T07:02:00.000-08:00

Jamie over at Jamie Ridler Studios asks us for Wishcasting Wednesday:

What do you wish for your family?

I wish for security. Less worries that take over our lives. More solid footing as we travel forward on our journies. For myself it looks like healing and direction. For my husband and I that looks like job security and financial stability. For my stepdaughter I am not entirely sure what it looks like, but from where I stand it looks like self-assurance. For others in my extended family that looks like healing or long-term financial stability or any number of things that would bring them a bit of peace knowing that they are in a place of safety.

Bronte Weather

2010-01-19T10:24:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a bit Bronte-ish today. With the wind howling up the valley at intervals, making eerie wuthering noises around the house and driving the cat crazy and the low grey skies I can easily imagine myself on the windswept moor surrounding Haworth listening to the stories of my siblings and seeing my own stories to tell in the flame of a candle. I've put a pot of tea on and am deciding which of my items on my to-do list should come next. It seems a bit prosaic to be worrying about laundry and kitchens when the weather is calling for a hot cuppa and a blanket on the couch with a suitably absorbing book - Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre are favorites for this weather, but the lesser known Bronte books work well, too. Or, for a bit of dark humor Elizabeth Gaskell's Cold Comfort Farm. Just as long as it is a rather familiar book - I don't want to be caught up in a brand new world if the power goes out!

I do enjoy this weather - stormy and so atmospheric for storytelling - but it can get me down sometimes. This week I am prepared. I have a delicious smelling candle burning (a bonus is that if the power goes out this evening I will be prepared and have a light already lit as I fumble around looking for where I stashed the lighter!), a series of sweet crochet projects already on the hook, and a recently finished lap blanket to cuddle up under. Now all that is left is finishing up the less exciting housework so that I can curl up near my favorite window and watch the weather.

Wishcasting Wednesday - Shine

2010-01-13T06:46:00.000-08:00

Today, Jamie, of Jamie Ridler Studio asks us

How do you wish to shine?

I wish to shine with the radiance of embracing myself and all that it means. To shine with the unity of wholeness that I was born with. To glow with the knowledge of myself and my happiness that is not affected by fears of "what will they say?" or "can they handle me?". I wish to shine with the glitter of fears overcome and obstacles surmounted; of being fully supported by the universe in the life of a fiber artist and writer and mystic. I wish to be a glowing beacon to others seeking to find hope and faith in themselves and a lantern on the path for those coming through the darkness behind me that I have already experienced. I wish to shine like a star with the joy of health restored and the hope of chronic illness in remission without drugs or painful surgery.

I wish to shine with the light that I have kept hidden for too long.

Starting Fresh

2010-01-11T11:13:00.000-08:00

In an effort to start the New Year on the right foot, my husband and I went through our pantry and freezers this weekend. Not only did we throw away the things that appeared to be mummified science projects from the back of the freezer, we sorted and organized everything so that everything is now grouped by similarities. The frozen veggies are now all together in the same freezer, as is the frozen stock. The same for the pantry. It feels good to have a grasp on what we do and don't have when it comes down to planning meals. My husband, ever the computer geek, set us up with a spreadsheet where we can track our usage and where things might be stored. I anticipate that, as much as it sounds like extra work, it will be truly helpful as we go along.

With the beautiful weather that we have been having here at the cottage, I must say that this weekend's clear-out has done much to soothe the Spring Cleaning urge that has come upon me. This urge feels like a true purge, not just a deep cleansing. Getting rid of the clutter and being ruthless about it. There is so much waiting in my mind to be created, but it needs space and freedom in order to come about. So, slowly but surely, I am making space.

A Year and a (few) days!

2010-01-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

Goodness! It has been a year since I started writing here at the cottage! (Actually, a little over, since my welcome posts was on the 4th of January). It seems almost surreal to think that this little blog has been around that long, and through so many changes in my life. I'm so glad it has allowed me to meet so many new and fascinating people, and I hope that there will be many more new friends made through these community connections.

On a different note, since we here at the cottage are in an area that has implemented water rationing and it gets mighty hot and dry in the summers, we have decided to turn our garden over to native plants. Of course, there will be several natives that are plenty useful - White Sage, Yarrow, and Artemisia come to mind - so I won't be without my herbs. After two years of trying to find out what vegetables and fruits we could grow here and finding that everything was burned to a crisp by the end of July we have finally made the decision to not fight with the environment around us. We will still be growing tomatoes, but instead of forcing them to face the full heat of the sun, we will plant them in a large pot on the porch, where there is some shade and it is just a little bit cooler. Other herbs will come inside on a convenient windowsill, and the ones that can handle it will stay outside in hanging pots along our porch overhang.

I feel better knowing that we are moving closer to what this patch of ground might have once been, and also that we will be providing natural food and habitat to those lovely birds that I so enjoy seeing in our yard (and who seem to enjoy taunting the cat).

Welcome 2010

2010-01-04T09:48:00.000-08:00

I let go of 2009 quietly. I didn't want any big fanfare, no loud parties, no countdowns. My husband, step-daughter and I spent the evening quietly at home; a fire in the fireplace, homemade clam chowder on the stove, and a jigsaw puzzle on the coffee table in all of it's difficult glory. We didn't make the effort to stay up. I didn't want 2009 to think that I wished it to linger any longer than necessary, so we drifted off to bed when we felt sleepy. I didn't even wake up at midnight with the neighborhood noisemakers. I simply woke to the sun at our window the next morning and a bright new future waiting for me.

I chose a word of the year for 2010. Bloom. Because I feel like a plant that has been carefully transplanted from a place where I was barely surviving (what a shock, though!) and then fed and watered with all kinds of good stuff that seems nasty and icky at first (manure, anyone?). With all of this glorious care, what plant wouldn't recover with lush and healthy growth and a plethora of staggeringly beautiful blossoms? So with the darkness and ickness of 2009 behind me and the door closed, I am blooming in 2010.

On December 30, I received news that allowed me a huge amount of closure for a very painful time in 2009. The door has been closed and I have barred and locked it from my side, to make sure that it stays there until I call on it. But with the closing of that door a whole new door that was opened just a crack at first has blown wide open with all of the glorious possibilities and dreams waiting for me to follow them. So these first days and weeks of a new year, a new decade, are filled with searching for tools to help me in my search for what dreams are truly me and what dreams are simply dreams. Who am I and what gifts was I given at birth in order to fulfill my created purpose? Why was the last path I was on so traumatically ripped away from me... what was it keeping me from doing?

Wishcasting Wednesday - 2010 Wishes

2009-12-29T23:05:00.001-08:00

As we prepare for the New Year, Jamie asks us

What do you wish for 2010?

My immediate thought is to answer with an obvious, but slightly flippant, statement. For it to be better than 2009, of course. But deep down, I know that there is more.

I wish for 2010 to be a year of blooming, even against the odds. It will be a year of deep blessings and joys to counteract the sorrows and terrors of 2009, and it will be a year of spiritual grace and acceptance. 2010 is the reward for surviving 2009 and standing in the muck that has been poured out on myself and all of those I know. It will be the year we see the blessings and glories that come from being the seeds buried in the earth and smothered with beautifully aged manure to enrich our environment. It is time to bloom.

Wishcasting Wednesday: Holiday Wishes

2009-12-22T21:35:00.000-08:00

It is the day before Christmas Eve and today Jamie over at Jamie Ridler Studio asks us

What do you wish for this holiday season?

I wish for stability, less stress, more peace and happiness. I catch peace and happiness in tiny fragmentary moments as I am caught at the edge of this precipice where I am tiptoeing through the darkness. Like the stars on a cloudy night, I see the faintest glimmer as the clouds pass by, but mostly I see the inky blackness of the clouds. I walk tentatively, at the end of my strength, afraid that my next step will send me over the edge into the abyss that lurks just out of my sight in the darkness of the night I am walking through. I have called upon those whose place it is in life to guard weary pilgrims through dangerous passages, but I feel no guide, no warm guardian presence. Just the awful silence waiting to swallow me into never ending darkness. I push forward, knowing that the light will return and I will once again walk safely in the light of day on a path that meanders through bright meadows and gentle hills. The light is returning, and I am on my journey out of this particular night, but I seek the rest that those glittering fragments of peace and happiness can bring me here and now to refresh me as I travel.

I am glad to be celebrating the end of 2009 - quite frankly I'm having a difficult time finding the bright places in the year and I want it to be over. I want to start fresh, letting the manure and compost of the events of this last year settle into the soil and become the nutrients that feed my growth and blossoming in 2010.

Solstice Blossoming

2009-12-21T12:20:00.001-08:00

My Amaryllis is blooming, and I pray that it is a foretaste of the blooming that I will soon do myself. I have patiently waited and watched and nourished it while the bulb sat until I could find the right pot to plant it in; while it waited in the darkness of the earth to know that the time was ripe to grow tall; while it sent out it's single strong stem; as the bud grew fat with promise. I have waited to know the beauty of this flower, this particular plant, until the time was right.

I see the lessons for my own life - that I must wait patiently while I am transplanted from a pot that was too small for me to the place where I will next be able to grow and thrive. I must continue to wait patiently as that place is prepared for me, the proper hole dug deep into the soil, amended with the proper nutrients and compost (this is especially important, because improperly prepared compost can burn a plant just as the difficult lessons in our lives burn and hurt us even as they give us the things we need to learn in order to be our best). When my new place is ready, I will be transplanted and my roots will find fresh nutriment and I will be able to thrive once again. I will be patient as my roots send out new rootlets and I become established in my place. I will soon be prepared to send out new stalks, laden with heavy blossoms. I will bloom.

It is difficult to be in this time of waiting. I have been uprooted, and am still waiting for my new home. I have a choice, though. I can be like some of my succulents, who require a time of hardening off before they can be rooted to start new bushes and who can survive on very little as they wait. Or, I can be like many plants that, if they wait too long for a new home, wilt quickly and may never recover. I choose to be like the hardier plants, the ones who wait patiently and transplant well. I choose to hold tight to the knowledge that my new place is nearly ready for me and that I will soon have a new well of nourishment with which to supplement my own inner supplies.

I will bloom again.

Seeking Christmas

2009-12-18T09:35:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve is a week from today. My creche is on the mantle, waiting for the small figure of the baby Jesus. My tree is in it's stand, waiting for the lights and ornaments that will make it sparkle like magic. I have a list of things to do to keep me busy... baking, wrapping, watching. Yet it feels almost empty this year.

My decorations sit in their boxes, waiting to be set out in their places. There is the beautiful nativity scene embraced by the wings of an angel, lit gently as a nightlight. The lovely Madonna figure crafted many years ago by my aunt that used to grace my Grandparent's house with her gentle presence each Christmas. The sweetly smiling Santa figure that my husband and I picked out our first Christmas that we were together. The angel with feathered wings. The glass ornaments. All of them are waiting patiently for me, sitting reproachfully in the boxes that fill up the space on the floor where I walk around them and carefully avoid looking at them.

I had planned to make lovely goody bags for friends and family this year filled with homemade candies and cookies. The list of what I am planning to make grows smaller and smaller as Christmas grows closer. My alternative plan is ready to go.

Instead, I sit on the couch and wait. I wait, along with my special decorations, along with Mary, Joseph, the Shepherds and the Wise Men. I watch in the dark stillness of the night, wrapped in a nearly finished blanket and unable to sleep. I seek and hope that I am prepared when it breaks through.

I seek the joy, the light, the love of the season. My spirit is cold in me as I wait for the nights of joy that I pray are coming soon. This year it seems that my heart is duller in my breast, my spirit farther away from me, my energy sapped. I have heard myself say, more than once, that "Christmas is just another day this year" and I wonder at how it got this far.

So I press my face close to the spicy needles of my Christmas tree, inhaling the sharp aroma of the sap and rejoicing in the tickling of the branches against my skin. I light a candle to ward off the darkness, praying for the light to lighten my heavy heart. I play the music of the season; carols and ancient tunes sung by joyful voices, ballets played in tuneful splendor by orchestras, thoughtful musical meditations played on the organ. I pray that the music will wash away the slowness that is shadowing my every movement and weighing me down.

I seek out the beauty and I pray. I wait, I listen, and I yearn for that moment in time that is coming when a miracle is born in the darkness of an unknown night.

Wishcasting Wednesday: Gifts

2009-12-15T23:01:00.001-08:00

Today, Jamie is asking us

What do you wish to give?

Which is an amazingly hard question for me to answer! I am a giver at heart and often give too much of myself away. My delight is to know that I have made someone feel better or happier in some way for my having come into their life at any given time. I know that I fail miserably at that on some days. We all have those days and I try not to get down on myself for it, but it truly is my deepest joy to see someone smile or express relief or some other indication that I have been able to give them something (generally intangible) that they needed.

I believe right now, however, as I am giving away energy, love, and everything else to keep others moving and happy, I need to give myself permission to sit down and take care of myself once in a while. I cannot keep giving without refilling the well.

Settling in for Winter

2009-12-14T12:05:00.001-08:00

There has been rain at the cottage for much of the last week, and I have thoroughly enjoyed my time sitting beside the windows or on our covered porch with a cup of hot tea in hand watching the show. I have even dragged out a few of my ufos (Un Finished Objects!) from this summer and am working on completing those. The doily could take me a while as I seem to be having difficulties holding my tension comfortably even, but I'm taking it a little at a time and it is, indeed turning out well. I am almost finished with the lapghan, a heavy acrylic number in grey, plum, and purple Homespun. I'm still not sure what to do with the beginnings of my round ripple afghan as I am not really enamored of the way it is turning out, so I may take it just far enough to be a small table cover or something and use it that way!

Things seem to be stabilizing for me as I settle in to the ways of keeping the cottage in a welcoming and homey way. Books are moving, decorative pieces are being adjusted and readjusted, and the atmosphere is coming together. Now I have to find places for my Christmas and winter season decorations!

Wishcasting Wednesday: Spirit Wishing

2009-12-09T07:54:00.000-08:00

Today, Jamie asks us:

What is your Spirit wishing for?

My spirit is wishing for freedom. Not freedom to fly, but freedom to live authentically. Freedom from worldly worries of whether or not we'll be able to pay all of our bills this month or how I will earn money without compromising myself or my health.

My spirit wishes to live from the heart, doing what it is called to do here on earth. Playing with the yarn and fabric that makes my heart beat faster, dancing with the healing energy to share that brings lightness and joy into the core of my very being. How do I blend those things that bring me joy with the practicalities of surviving in this world where gifts are not always respected or honored?

Stormy Day

2009-12-07T18:13:00.000-08:00

We are snuggled all safe and cozy here at the cottage while the rain has fallen and the wind is howling rather mercilessly. The dog hates the rain and won't go outside, so he is curled up in his chair looking at me quite pitifully every time I try to drag him out the door. On the other side, the cat is totally ignoring the weather and has curled himself up on our bed to sleep out the storm. It is our first real winter storm of the season, and I am delighted to be indoors with hot tea, a hand crocheted afghan, a fire in the fireplace and my husband on the couch beside me.

I am especially grateful to have survived Saturday. It was the debut of my parent's company, Ivy Hill, and we had a booth at the marketplace of the Point Loma Holiday Home Tour to benefit Best Friends Society. The sky kept getting darker throughout the day with the wind coming in little gusts that grew increasingly cold, but the rain held off until yesterday afternoon. The various seasonal baked goods that Ivy Hill offers were a resounding success, and we are off and running. I look forward to helping them fulfill the orders that will roll in as the holiday approaches.

I took several pictures, but haven't been able to load them into my computer yet, but I promise that as soon as they are in my grasp I will share them.

Stay safe and warm as the weather rages!

P.S. I thought I'd share a favorite herbal blend that is perfect for relaxing in front of a fire!

1 part Lemon Balm
1/2 part Peppermint
1/4 part Rosemary

Put herbs into a strainer, pour hot water over and let steep for 5 minutes before removing the herbs. I like to sweeten this with a dash of honey and sometimes I will even add a squeeze of lemon juice. Enjoy!

Wishcasting Wednesday

2009-12-02T06:52:00.000-08:00

Today's Wishcasting Wednesday question from Jamie is:

What is your Winter wish?

The first wish that pops into mind is simply emotional survival. I have clinical depression, which is often exacerbated by the darkness this time of year. The strangest part about all of this is that Autumn and Winter are my favorite seasons! So no matter what I am dealing with a physical paradox, I suppose.

After sitting with the question a bit longer, my Winter wish is to use the time to prepare to launch my Etsy store and bring myself that much closer to my dream of bringing Wild Oak Cottage to life as a business that supports me and allows me to share my gifts with the world. I still have a ways to go to complete the dream, but an Etsy store is the most easily attainable first step. I also hope to have a school chosen to pursue my Massage Therapist License and to find the right teacher and tradition in Reiki so that I can have an avenue to share my healing gifts with a wider circle than just my immediate family.

Finally, I want to thank everyone who wished with me last week for closure. I had a telephone hearing yesterday and I know that no matter what the final judgement is, I have found closure and am able to put the whole miserable experience behind me. I am just sad that it had to happen in the first place, and that I allowed a betrayal by a pastor and co-workers to color my thoughts about an entire denomination that they represented.

Tea Art

2009-11-30T07:24:00.000-08:00

After a lovely Thanksgiving and utterly relaxing Friday at home with my husband and bonus daughter I spent Saturday visiting a blogging friend! Kimberly Shaw is an artist that I have long admired (I've seen her work around in local tea shops and yearned for it for a lot longer than I have known she blogs!) and when she held an open house last year I was unable to go. My mom went and I had a delightful Christmas full of stickers, cards, and even some prints that are hanging among the teacups and plates on the wall in my dining room!

So when I saw her post with her invitation for this year's open house I hastily looked at the date and was overjoyed that I was going to be able to go. As an added bonus, Georgia was bringing her delightful Christmas ornaments and Sherry Evans was going to be there signing copies of her new book, Afternoon Tea in Southern California (which has Kimberly's artwork throughout)!

It turned out to be an absolutely lovely day in spite of (or perhaps because of) the stormy weather. We arrived just before the hail, and so were warm and cozy with cups of tea in hand perusing the Christmas cards in the living room of the home that houses Kimberly Shaw Graphics when the skies opened up. Among displays of all of her cards, stickers, notepads, pins, magnets, and teas (and beautiful paper crafts by Georgia and Sherry's book) we nibbled on homemade scones with homemade lemon curd and pomegranate jelly and sipped tea, chatting it up with all of the other Kimberly Shaw fans who came by to restock their stashes of her beautiful cards.

It was quite the day, and I came home with another print to join the two in my dining room as well as several cards and sticker sheets. I think at least three of the cards are going to end up framed (especially this one). It was wonderful to spend time in such a creative space and to chat with Kimberly about her products and plans. She even showed us some of the original paintings, and my mom and I spotted several of her teacups on the shelves as well.

I loved having the chance to meet Kimberly, Georgia, and Sherry in person and to make those local connections that sometimes get lost in the shuffle. I know that when I first started to covet those Kimberly Shaw cards and notepads I saw I never dreamed that they came from less than an hour away!

2009-11-25T07:40:00.000-08:00

It is Wishcasting Wednesday again... already???? Today Jamie is asking us

What Step Do You Wish to Take?

I wish to take the step to finally let the past be past. On December 1st I have one more hurdle before I can put the most recent betrayal by my former employer behind me. I had finally realized that it had been for the best when they fired me, but the hurt of how it was done has been lingering until there was formal closure. Next week marks that closure with a telephone hearing.

On a positive note, I wish to take the step of following my calling to be a healer. I have been given the gift, the skill, the compassion, and the passion and it is time I stepped into the part of my life where I am fulfilling my life's calling and being true to myself.

For all of our American friends, Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow!

Monday, Monday

2009-11-23T13:23:00.000-08:00

This started out as a Monday Morning update, but has quickly become a Monday Afternoon Ramble! Not for particularly bad reasons - I've been busy baking (of course), doing laundry, picking up, planning, sorting, cutting, washing dishes (goes with baking), and in general pottering around doing the little things that add up to a satisfying feeling of having gotten something done even if you can't quite put your fingers on what it was that you have frittered your time away doing.

In so many ways I am content to do the little things that keep a house running, what is harder is getting said home to a point where it is just little things that keep it running smoothly instead of limping horribly, sadly along. Just last week I tackled a truly frightening project by organizing our mail center. It takes up the top of a bookcase in the center of our house and was completely covered in a very intimidating pile of papers and other clutter. I sat down and sorted the papers, created a very nice filing system of inbox-style letter trays, removed the extra chargers for phones that we no longer use and even had room to plug in the fountain that we moved to sit in a little alcove created by two bookcases. I still have to go through all of the pens and pencils I found and shoved into a couple of pencil cups (I'm sure that some of them are quite dead), but there is a little upright organizer for stamps, an address book, and a couple of member directories and other things needed for mail, and another one of those little upright organizers for sorting things that need to be taken care of right away.

I'm inordinately proud of myself for this endeavor, since it is one of those things that has been bothering me the longest and seemed the most impossible. The top ledge of the kitchen island (which these two bookcases sit under since it was built with not enough room to pull any stools up to) is my current project. As the clutter is cleared away and the counter cleaned it is filling up with boxes and such of things I need for baking and for Thanksgiving preparations. I had hoped to clear it completely, but I can't seem to find a more convenient spot for the gallon of molasses and 10 lb bag of flour and other large amounts of supplies that I am going through.

Now I'm practicing a bit of avoidance here, but thought I'd keep everyone apprised of my progress!

Another Friday Ramble

2009-11-20T19:36:00.000-08:00

Friday evening, sitting on the couch with my amazing husband beside me and a Lemon Loaf cake in the oven (still baking those along with Gingerbread and a Luxury Almond Cake or two for Ivy Hill in a couple of weeks!), I am content. I should be working on my crocheted Christmas presents that feel as if they are falling behind, or I should be pounding away at my NaNoWriMo novel (I'm waaaaay behind by now), but instead I am sitting here typing away at my blog. I've been busy cleaning the last couple of days, and finally tackled one of the scariest projects in the house that I have been putting off for months. It feels good to have it done, and all of that stuff organized. Even better, it means that I am making room in my life and environment for all of the wonderful new energy to swirl through and bring me the blessings of living into my authentic life and calling. I love the feeling. Now I'm off to enjoy the rest of my Friday evening!

Wishcasting Wednesday

2009-11-17T21:03:00.000-08:00

Today's Wishcasting Wednesday question from Jamie is:

What do you wish to embrace?

I wish to embrace life as it is meant to be lived.

I wish to embrace the true self that I have hidden for so long that I have forgotten what she is like. Too many traumas have allowed me to accumulate pounds of excess weight (what man in his right mind would think that I was available for his pleasure if I'm so overweight that I don't even come close to what society thinks is attractive?!), scars both emotional and physical, and a rather large collection of fears both rational and irrational.

I wish to embrace the lovely woman who is hidden inside, just waiting for her chance to shine. She is gentle where I am sometimes too harsh, she is forgiving where I sometimes rush in to judge, she is myself when I am being true and honest about who I really am behind all of the defenses.

I wish to embrace my gifts and talents instead of being afraid of the attention they might attract. They are a part of my true self that I keep hidden away where I don't have to see the possibilities, to know that I am missing out on a great deal of happiness and fulfillment as well as keeping something from this world that only I can contribute.

I wish to embrace joy, the profound happiness that comes when you are being your truest self and doing what you were created to do.

I wish to embrace my life as I am meant to live it.

Energy Flows

2009-11-16T09:24:00.000-08:00

Our little cottage is a bit of a conundrum. When it was placed here on its little plot of land it was set so that the master bedroom is facing the busy street corner with our rooms for entertaining set in the middle and the office and spare bedroom furthest from the street, where there is peace and quiet. Personally, I would have preferred it to have been flipped 180 degrees - with the carport side along the side street where our garden is currently and the master bedroom in the back. In systems like Feng Shui our current alignment is a detriment, because it means that the private areas of the house are most exposed to the busy energies of the street while the areas that would thrive most on the passing energies are buried in the back. Most difficult of all is that our front door and porch are placed so that they face the foothills that run up to the back of our neighbors, making it so that energetically we are always coming up against large obstacles in our forward movement.

Lately, it seems as if those obstacles have become insurmountable and I was even ready to switch doors in their frames if it would declare to the universe that I am ready for a change. Unfortunately (or fortunately) the doors are different sizes, so that didn't work. I try to remember to call them by their opposite names, but everyone still refers to the door to the carport the back and to the porch the front, so I can't even fool the universe that way.

So now I am simply trying to open up our views a bit. Working on the house to maximize potential and energy, to capture opportunities to expand and rise above those foothills. I do not wish to say that moving to this house was a mistake, for I am learning a great deal from our cottage in the foothills. I am simply ready for the tides of energy to change.

Tonight I will join Suzie Ridler and many others in lighting a candle in the dark to proclaim myself a child of the light. I have not finished a great deal of cleaning, clearing or cleansing. I am walking my own journey through the clutter; energetic, emotional and literal. I will keep vigil tonight by my candle flame as it lights a circle in the darkness and I will remind myself of my potential as a child of light. Perhaps I will even gather my courage to work with the Reiki energy that I have been afraid to work with directly since my attunement went so wrong. Perhaps it will simply be enough to cup my hands around that one simple flame as it burns away the darkness of my night. I will not know for sure. Whatever happens, I will bask in the spiritual community of those who will be lighting their own candles, burning away their own darkness.

Friday Musings

2009-11-13T10:31:00.000-08:00

I suppose I feel as if I should be saying "Nothing much to report this week" even if I have been steadily working on the baking and growing that are my main projects at the moment! There has been a rather peaceful ordinariness to my days while my mind has been working furiously in the background to keep me on my toes.

Instead, I am gazing at several lovely shades of green and a few brown yarns sitting on my table whispering my name while a paper plate contains the sparkling beads that make up the bracelets that I am making. Soon, the house will be full of the rich smell of the Gingerbread that I am making for Ivy Hill. I will be heading out the door soon to run my errands while it is still early so that I can return home to my cozy cottage that much more quickly.

With a gentle breeze that has a definite nip to it and large fluffy grey clouds rushing overhead through the blue sky it truly feels like fall. I feel rich in my ability to enjoy a day like this, full of the sounds of birds and a view of the wildlife open space that is just outside my back door. Blessings of Peace and Abundance to all of us!

Wishcast Wednesday

2009-11-10T23:31:00.000-08:00

Today's question from Jamie is:

What do you wish to dare?

I wish to dare to take risks, to live life out loud, to be myself in the way that only I can be. I am tired of living small to avoid conflict or to keep from upsetting anyone. Today I dare to fly free and be myself - the healer who can heal others from her own knowledge of being hurt; the dreamer who dreams and believes beautiful, impossible things; the wise woman and goddess I have become and am now, even when I forget or hide from the truth about myself.

I dare to live.

(It seems that some of my wishes are a bit repetitive, but it all works. I guess I'm just wishing for the big things and working on the small steps it takes to get there!)

A Project Update

2009-11-09T07:09:00.000-08:00

As part of the general busyness of this past weekend I went to a baby shower for a family friend. She is doing the nursery for her baby boy in a Dr. Seuss theme, with the colors being red, white, and navy blue. So, since she is a family friend whom I have known since she was born, I made a baby blanket.

Since there is no such thing as baby yarn in true red or navy blue, I decided to go all out and use a really nice, very washable acrylic yarn. This, with my mom's help, ended up being Lion Brand's Homespun in Colonial, Candy Apple, and Deco; which made a very nice, warm, heavy blanket that will be able to transition well into the baby's childhood years. I used the pattern Baby Granny Three Ways, which I found online as a free pattern from Coats and Clark.

I think it turned out quite well! (Yes, I know the picture is sideways, it fit better this way!)

I have lots of other projects in the works, but since they are Christmas presents for people who read this blog I can't show them to you until after Christmas!

Busy Bee

2009-11-06T09:30:00.000-08:00

There I was: ahead of my goals, breezing through, spending hours at a time glued to my computer. I had ideas flowing, I was really going to town. Then I stopped. Two days ago. Today is day three. I haven't written at all. Instead, I've been baking, helping my parents prepare stock for Ivy Hill to sell at the upcoming Holiday Home Tour. The house has been full of the wafting scents of Lemon Tea Loaf and Gingerbread, while I have been nibbling on a sample of a Dense Chocolate Loaf that we are thinking of including. Hopefully, while I am rotating pans in and out of the oven and flying high on the lovely smells of delicious baked goods, I will be able to steal some time to work on my NaNo novel.

The hardest part of writing this is suspending my inner critic. The point is to get the novel on paper - not to have it fully edited and ready to publish! I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay if it doesn't make the best sense in the world: I have all the time I want after November is over to edit the heck out of my story. Perhaps I will end up with two or three stories by the time I sort myself out and figure out what the heck it is that I have just written!

Wishcasting

2009-11-04T06:42:00.000-08:00

Is it Wednesday already?! Yikes. Today's Wishcast Wednesday question from Jamie is:

What do you wish to experience?

I wish to experience freedom, peace, deep joy, and healing for my own wounds.

I don't think that sounds like too much to ask! There are dark wounds masquerading as healed over scars that I have been carrying around for too long in my life, and they hold me back from fulfilling my purpose. Fear, even as far as terror, surrounds me when I do experience moments of deep peace and joy. The backlash from trying to work through the pain manages to knock me flat every time, trapped within the darkness. I'm not afraid of scars, they are part of the experiences that make me who I am. I just have not found the right teacher to help me find the tools I need to go deep enough to heal those wounds and cleanse them of the infection that keeps them open and active in my life.

Monday, Monday

2009-11-02T08:52:00.000-08:00

Welcome back to the every-day world. Halloween this weekend was great fun with a young person here to celebrate with and giving me an excuse to be out wandering the neighborhood (somebody has to walk all those blocks with her and watch to make sure nobody tries to kidnap her!). She collected a large stash of candy which I am sure I will still be shifting around the freezer come February!

Today it is the usual round of trash and recycle pick up, laundry, and general tidying the cottage from the fun of the weekend. Or it would be, if I weren't so busy trying to wrap my mind around writing a novel. Of course, I am still doing all of my Monday tasks, but my mind is not as focused on them as it has been.

Today I am thinking about voice, names, countries, story lines. Fleshing out a fantasy world that has existed only in my daydreams. This writing it down is more difficult than threading a story through my head for my own consumption. It feels more vulnerable, somehow. More dangerous.

I am starting a whole new adventure.

Halloween is Coming

2009-10-30T08:15:00.000-07:00

Halloween tomorrow. Strange energy swirling through the air. Pumpkin lanterns ready to be lit to light the path for our loved ones, carved with scary faces to frighten away the evil spirits. Candy in bowls ready to be passed out to children seeking treats door to door wearing costumes cute or scary. The veil between the worlds lifting and tearing. The return of standard time and the sun setting earlier, cozy nights spent curled up by the fire.

I love this time of year, and yet I fear it because of the biological changes that happen in my life and in the lives of some of my friends. For some of us it is chronic depression aggravated by the changing season. For others it is a case of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I know to expect it, but somehow it always manages to ambush me in its annual manifestation in my life. Just when I think that I have managed to support myself through the drastic shifting so that I don't fall completely to pieces I find myself in a puddle of tears on the floor, wondering what hit me and why I can't seem to function properly, if at all. I hold myself gently, allow my soul mate to lift me up, and then look at the good things and move on.

With some of my friends it is much more drastic, with much longer lasting anguish for them and for those who love them. I wish I could go to them and hold them close and offer them all of the healing that I could possibly be able to offer them - teas, energy, and love. Instead, I watch from outside, knowing that until they admit that something is wrong all I can do is hold them in a space of love and tenderness, lifting up a light of love and prayer in the darkness, and hoping that they will grasp the hands of their friends who are waiting to help them through this darkness.

It seems that autumn has become more difficult for people in the last few years, though this year it is more dramatic than I have ever seen it. The friends around me severely affected by the season are showing signs of the effect going deeper, lasting longer, feeling even more hopeless than before. Others have remarked on strange, even hostile, energies in the air this year. Whatever your preferred method of spiritual and energetic protection, I urge you to engage in it even more mindfully than you have been. Whatever light you work with, call even more of it into the world to help counteract this trend.

Be safe!

A New Challenge

2009-10-29T06:59:00.000-07:00

Last night I took the plunge. I've seen it on blogs before and just ignored it, telling myself that I couldn't do it. So this year I'm going to try. What have I committed myself to? I signed up to participate in NaNoWriMo 2009. You can find out all about it here. Basically the premise is to write a 50,000 word novel from scratch during the month of November, which is National Novel Writing Month. Hence the name NaNoWriMo.

I'm sure I could do it if that was my sole focus, but to make things more complicated I will be spending much of November at my parents house assisting in creating wonderful baked goods for them to sell at the Marketplace at the Best Friends Holiday Home Tour in Point Loma. I'm sure that will have some influence on the development of the story, too!

So, I am looking at this as an experiment. I am determined to make it to the 50,000 word mark to be a winner in this thing, but even if I don't I will have tried something new. Perhaps this is nothing more than an invitation to a massive case of writer's block. Perhaps I will create something wonderful. Either way, I am excited to participate and see what happens.

One thing I am sure of is that I will not be doing much editing. As they say on their website, December is for editing. November is for getting the words on paper. I'll share a few excerpts here as I go and perhaps use my other blog, Wild Oak Chronicles, to share more.

Wishcasting Wednesday

2009-10-28T06:44:00.000-07:00

Today's Wishcasting Question is:

What Treat do you Wish for?

I wish today for the treat of being gentle with myself. In my struggles with depressive episodes and other icky stuff I often forget to be gentle with myself and am often up against a cycle of negativity toward myself while lifting others up and out of the muck around us. I know it would be much easier to help and heal others if I weren't spending so much time beating myself up for not helping others as much as I would like to and know that I have the ability to. So my wish is for the treat of knowing and valuing healing myself as much as I value healing others.

To join other Wishcasters, visit Jamie Ridler at her studio...

Changing Seasons

2009-10-27T09:29:00.001-07:00

The wind is picking up, the sky is shades of grey, and the temperature has dropped dramatically since yesterday's clear blue skies.

We are supposed be getting the edge of an Alaskan cold front for the next few days and it is helping me get in the mood for Halloween. Samhain, if you prefer. All Hallows Eve. Followed by All Hallows (All Saints) and All Souls days. Dias de los Muertos.

In other words, the veil between the worlds is thinning at this time and we are preparing for visits from friends and loved ones who have passed on. It isn't that they can't visit or send messages to us at any time, but this time of year is especially potent for celebrating and communicating with them. In many cultures the dead are welcomed with feasts of their favorite foods, special lanterns set out to guide their way and make their path easier, and elaborate displays of photographs and mementos. Think of it as a giant family reunion if thinking about dead people scares you.

I look forward to the shifting energies of this season. The welcoming of those from the other side for a time of reunion, checking in and sharing messages. The turning inward to celebrate and give thanks for all of our blessings, whether we are happy about them or not. The further turning inward to experience the fallow season as we rest and prepare for the return of spring and the blossoming of seeds that have been planted and rested in this quiet time.

Gift Giving at the Cottage

2009-10-26T08:39:00.000-07:00

Over at Simple, Green, Frugal Co-op today there is a post gathering Simple, Green and Frugal Christmas Gift Ideas. Since I've already started on our gifts for this year I thought I'd add my two cents to the gathering.

Over the last few years I have been leaning more and more towards gifts that will be useful and not end up gathering dust somewhere. We are presumably giving gifts to people we care about, so why should we give them something that they will never use and perhaps may not even want?

For most of our friends and associates we will be giving "goodie bags" consisting of homemade goodies that are consumable, whether it be cookies, candies, nuts, or other treats with homemade jam or marmalade and perhaps some hand-blended tea added as well.

For the really close people in our lives like parents, godparents, and (bonus) daughter I am making some kind of useful item such as a collection of scarves or an afghan. Something tangible but most definitely usable. These will complement our "goodie bags" for these people.

Several years ago I began a tradition of writing a personal "gift" to each of my loved ones each year, expressing a special prayer for the coming year. Very often when I sit down with a collection of special cards to do this I am not at all sure what I will be saying. I put on some quiet Christmas music, light a candle, wrap a blanket over my legs and meditate on each person before I begin writing. Letting my love for this person flow onto the paper creates a gift that has become a cherished tradition for those I share it with, even the younger ones who I was afraid wouldn't care!

What do you do for your holiday giving?

2009-10-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

What are you the goddess of?

Goddess Leonie over at Goddess Guidebook and Goddess School asked the question a little while ago as part of a giveaway she was hosting, and while I answered it off the top of my head at the time it has not left me alone over the most recent days of clearing and organizing.

My first answer was to say that I am a goddess of healing and domesticity. In their own ways, that is a true answer, but it doesn't go far enough. It is too glib and surface-skimming.

I am a goddess of healing, but most specifically of natural healing. Helping the body and soul to work together for the greater good of all. I was born with a gift for energetic healing - I have often been told that I have "magic hands" - and working with herbs. I blended tisanes by instinct for many years, then took some herbal basics courses and learned that what I had been doing all along was correct. Since then I have been given my first level attunement in Reiki and I have reached level two training in Healing Touch, as well as taken several hours of massage training. Listening is a part of this gift, knowing how and where to direct the energy. Deep intuition and some level of listening to the guidance of higher powers than I are key to this.

I am a goddess of domesticity in a specific way, also. I can create an atmosphere of welcome and sacred space given some time and a few tools to work with. I cook well (perhaps it was all those afternoons spent making "soup" in my barbie pool with leftover herbs and other plants as a child!), and love to set a beautiful table. Hospitality is a gift I have been given. Serving others in a way that makes them feel valued and important. I also create art in a domestic setting - I crochet, knit, and sew. I use the term "fiber artist" rather loosely, but it still applies to what I do. Keeping an immaculately spotless house is not a gift or skill that I have been gifted with, though! My domesticity appears to be rather limited in that sense.

The most recent months since I lost my job have forced me to wander the woods and fields around the cottage, seeking my own most authentic life. I know that in moving forward I must honor these divine gifts that I have been given. I still am not entirely sure what that looks like, but I am trusting that there is a path set before me and a plan in Someone's heart for me and my highest good.

Here in the cottage I have been clearing the clutter a little at a time, uncovering and remembering my authentic self and all of the fears and worries that I have developed over many years that have kept it hidden. I have always been afraid of being who I seem to have been created to be. It is very powerful to carry the knowledge I carry within myself, and I am afraid of using that power. Of how it will get me labeled. How I have been labeled when I exercise my gifts. So now I sit here, the oaks sheltering my little wilderness are stirred by the autumn wind, and I am hearing the call to return to myself. To feel the fear and do it anyway. To embrace the titles of healer, artist, soul-lover. To open myself even more to explore the depth and breadth of my gifts and powers. To heal myself, first and foremost.