Packing Up

I have been putting off this part of our transition with all of the excitement I can muster about the newness of the life I am called to step into. Partly because I really don't like the idea of living out of boxes for a while. But mostly because I am very afraid of the struggle to let go of what isn't working for me anymore. Living simply is something I have felt called to in my life for a very long time, but there is an inner part of me that is terrified of how free and honest I could be if I truly did live into that call. What gifts and energies I might open up to use in God's work around me, and what might be the next step after giving up the stuff that is holding me back. So now, as I am invited to step into that call in a deeper way than ever before as part of following a larger, more fundamental call I find that I am both exhilarated and terrified. The physical weight that I need to lose (body clutter) is coming off faster than I thought possible, but I know that I am still stuck behind the clutter in my house and my life. Don't get me wrong, the beauty and special things that have no other purpose in life but to make me smile and feel good will most definitely be sticking around. But the other stuff - the stuff I hang on to in the fear that if I get rid of it I'll need or want it or disappoint someone - carries the energy of being stuck. It keeps me trapped in the fear of not enough. Of not being enough, not having enough, not able to give enough. Of wanting and not being able to have. The flip side of that is my new found and slowly strengthening ability to look at things, admire them, dream about how they would make my life more whatever, and then leave them where I found them until their true owner comes along. Unless it truly makes my life sing - like a flattering new pair of pants in a color and fabric I enjoy wearing is on sale for an incredible price just as my stock of wearable pants is down to one or two. It isn't that I am opposed to having things. But as I am packing my things they must pass a new test. Do I need it? Things like the vacuum cleaner fall into this category. It may not be beautiful and I may not smile each time I see it, but I certainly need it to keep my carpets clean. Do I use it? Our Rotisserie oven and upright freezer probably fall into this category. We don't really need them but we use them constantly. On the other hand, the terracotta chicken roaster that sits unused in the cupboard doesn't pass this test. Do I love it? Does it make me happy? The ultimate in the final whittling down of stuff. I have a lot of knick-knacks and heirlooms. Not to mention beautiful teapots and crystal. But some of that crystal and pressed glass has no meaning to me. They were bought at discount stores for no reason other than I wanted a vase or a bowl and didn't have any at the time. Those can go since they have been replaced by wedding gifts and heirlooms that my family has generously shared with me. Even some of the heirlooms will be returning to my parents, especially to my mom, for whom there is much more meaning attached than for me. So while the thrill of answering a deep call carries me forward, I am also dreading the sorting and separating. I know that there will be guilt about some of the things I plan on donating. There will be some anxiety about paring down to the things that actually mean something. In the end I know that it will be worth the work when my surroundings support and energize my husband and I instead of serving as a reminder of all of the stuff that we need to be taking care of.

I'm Back!?

Dear Friends and Blogosphere Buddies,

I'm back. I think. This month away has been quite pleasant but it has also brought out a lot of questions for me about the nature of where this blog is going and what kind of posts I am writing. Yes, for those of you who are interested I am still planning on sharing my "story" - the deep truth about the things in my past that have made me who I am. But I am also wondering where I am called to focus my writing. My journal is truly where I ramble and without a center of focus for this blog I was having difficulty deciding what and when to write here. So I am doing some deep consideration about my writing and blogging activities.

On a different note, I also have the wonderful news to report that I have a new job. I am currently a part time seasonal (with the possibility of going permanent) team member at the local Teavana store. I am in heaven - and no, I am not making a pun on the name of the store, which does mean "heaven of tea" - with all of that wonderful very high quality tea and tea accoutrement's! It is sales, which I am not sure I am good at, but since it is tea, which I can talk about until the cows come home and then leave again, I have a feeling that it is a good fit.

My home is coming together again after some backsliding while my stepdaughter was visiting. Things are finding their way back to their homes or are finding new ones. With full-time kid-care I did get a few things accomplished. Between huddling on the beach under my umbrella to try to avoid sunburn (did I ever mention that I think I might be allergic to the sun?) and curling up under trees in various parks I got quite a bit of crochet done. There are 4 new completed shawls and two are almost finished. My homemade Christmas presents are planned out and most of the materials collected (I have to start early or I'll forget until December that I wanted to make something for certain people and then I'll get down on myself for not planning better!). I even got a book or two read!

I hope all is well with you, too. Please do bear with me as I get my bearings back here online!

Quickie Updates

No, I haven't fallen off the edge of the planet. I've been keeping myself busy - or should I say my mom has been keeping me busy - these past few days helping me to clear the clutter I had surrounded myself with. Two more rooms to go, but those are going to be difficult. We are planning on switching our current "office" and guest bedroom locations so that I can finally have a desk in the office in a room that isn't likely to a)trigger migraines with heat and glare and b)is a favorite room of mine to begin with! Our guest room is less frequently used, so it makes sense to change it out with a room that we can close off if we need to.

All of this sorting and separating, moving around, rearranging, and purging has taken time. But oh! the cottage is feeling so much better that it has in a very long time. Last summer we did some organizing, but I was in a place of endings and trauma and so my ability to purge what needed purging was certainly not at it's sharpest - I held on to all kinds of things and moved things around in a way to close off a lot of space. This time things are finding homes where I look around and think "ah... space and openness!" which is rather like breathing a sigh of relief.

This has kept me from much blogging as I have been taking my rest time to work on some doilies - yep, I'm making lace again! I hope to have a few new pieces blocked and pictures taken so I can post them soon. At one point I swore off of lace because of the fineness of the thread, but now am finding that the challenge of the small thread combined with the complexity of the patterns is really stimulating my brain. I guess it is a crossword and word search for the fiber minded!

Bronte Weather

I'm feeling a bit Bronte-ish today. With the wind howling up the valley at intervals, making eerie wuthering noises around the house and driving the cat crazy and the low grey skies I can easily imagine myself on the windswept moor surrounding Haworth listening to the stories of my siblings and seeing my own stories to tell in the flame of a candle. I've put a pot of tea on and am deciding which of my items on my to-do list should come next. It seems a bit prosaic to be worrying about laundry and kitchens when the weather is calling for a hot cuppa and a blanket on the couch with a suitably absorbing book - Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre are favorites for this weather, but the lesser known Bronte books work well, too. Or, for a bit of dark humor Elizabeth Gaskell's Cold Comfort Farm. Just as long as it is a rather familiar book - I don't want to be caught up in a brand new world if the power goes out!

I do enjoy this weather - stormy and so atmospheric for storytelling - but it can get me down sometimes. This week I am prepared. I have a delicious smelling candle burning (a bonus is that if the power goes out this evening I will be prepared and have a light already lit as I fumble around looking for where I stashed the lighter!), a series of sweet crochet projects already on the hook, and a recently finished lap blanket to cuddle up under. Now all that is left is finishing up the less exciting housework so that I can curl up near my favorite window and watch the weather.

Starting Fresh

In an effort to start the New Year on the right foot, my husband and I went through our pantry and freezers this weekend. Not only did we throw away the things that appeared to be mummified science projects from the back of the freezer, we sorted and organized everything so that everything is now grouped by similarities. The frozen veggies are now all together in the same freezer, as is the frozen stock. The same for the pantry. It feels good to have a grasp on what we do and don't have when it comes down to planning meals. My husband, ever the computer geek, set us up with a spreadsheet where we can track our usage and where things might be stored. I anticipate that, as much as it sounds like extra work, it will be truly helpful as we go along.

With the beautiful weather that we have been having here at the cottage, I must say that this weekend's clear-out has done much to soothe the Spring Cleaning urge that has come upon me. This urge feels like a true purge, not just a deep cleansing. Getting rid of the clutter and being ruthless about it. There is so much waiting in my mind to be created, but it needs space and freedom in order to come about. So, slowly but surely, I am making space.

Settling in for Winter

There has been rain at the cottage for much of the last week, and I have thoroughly enjoyed my time sitting beside the windows or on our covered porch with a cup of hot tea in hand watching the show. I have even dragged out a few of my ufos (Un Finished Objects!) from this summer and am working on completing those. The doily could take me a while as I seem to be having difficulties holding my tension comfortably even, but I'm taking it a little at a time and it is, indeed turning out well. I am almost finished with the lapghan, a heavy acrylic number in grey, plum, and purple Homespun. I'm still not sure what to do with the beginnings of my round ripple afghan as I am not really enamored of the way it is turning out, so I may take it just far enough to be a small table cover or something and use it that way!

Things seem to be stabilizing for me as I settle in to the ways of keeping the cottage in a welcoming and homey way. Books are moving, decorative pieces are being adjusted and readjusted, and the atmosphere is coming together. Now I have to find places for my Christmas and winter season decorations!

Monday, Monday

This started out as a Monday Morning update, but has quickly become a Monday Afternoon Ramble! Not for particularly bad reasons - I've been busy baking (of course), doing laundry, picking up, planning, sorting, cutting, washing dishes (goes with baking), and in general pottering around doing the little things that add up to a satisfying feeling of having gotten something done even if you can't quite put your fingers on what it was that you have frittered your time away doing.

In so many ways I am content to do the little things that keep a house running, what is harder is getting said home to a point where it is just little things that keep it running smoothly instead of limping horribly, sadly along. Just last week I tackled a truly frightening project by organizing our mail center. It takes up the top of a bookcase in the center of our house and was completely covered in a very intimidating pile of papers and other clutter. I sat down and sorted the papers, created a very nice filing system of inbox-style letter trays, removed the extra chargers for phones that we no longer use and even had room to plug in the fountain that we moved to sit in a little alcove created by two bookcases. I still have to go through all of the pens and pencils I found and shoved into a couple of pencil cups (I'm sure that some of them are quite dead), but there is a little upright organizer for stamps, an address book, and a couple of member directories and other things needed for mail, and another one of those little upright organizers for sorting things that need to be taken care of right away.

I'm inordinately proud of myself for this endeavor, since it is one of those things that has been bothering me the longest and seemed the most impossible. The top ledge of the kitchen island (which these two bookcases sit under since it was built with not enough room to pull any stools up to) is my current project. As the clutter is cleared away and the counter cleaned it is filling up with boxes and such of things I need for baking and for Thanksgiving preparations. I had hoped to clear it completely, but I can't seem to find a more convenient spot for the gallon of molasses and 10 lb bag of flour and other large amounts of supplies that I am going through.

Now I'm practicing a bit of avoidance here, but thought I'd keep everyone apprised of my progress!

Energy Flows

Our little cottage is a bit of a conundrum. When it was placed here on its little plot of land it was set so that the master bedroom is facing the busy street corner with our rooms for entertaining set in the middle and the office and spare bedroom furthest from the street, where there is peace and quiet. Personally, I would have preferred it to have been flipped 180 degrees - with the carport side along the side street where our garden is currently and the master bedroom in the back. In systems like Feng Shui our current alignment is a detriment, because it means that the private areas of the house are most exposed to the busy energies of the street while the areas that would thrive most on the passing energies are buried in the back. Most difficult of all is that our front door and porch are placed so that they face the foothills that run up to the back of our neighbors, making it so that energetically we are always coming up against large obstacles in our forward movement.

Lately, it seems as if those obstacles have become insurmountable and I was even ready to switch doors in their frames if it would declare to the universe that I am ready for a change. Unfortunately (or fortunately) the doors are different sizes, so that didn't work. I try to remember to call them by their opposite names, but everyone still refers to the door to the carport the back and to the porch the front, so I can't even fool the universe that way.

So now I am simply trying to open up our views a bit. Working on the house to maximize potential and energy, to capture opportunities to expand and rise above those foothills. I do not wish to say that moving to this house was a mistake, for I am learning a great deal from our cottage in the foothills. I am simply ready for the tides of energy to change.

Tonight I will join Suzie Ridler and many others in lighting a candle in the dark to proclaim myself a child of the light. I have not finished a great deal of cleaning, clearing or cleansing. I am walking my own journey through the clutter; energetic, emotional and literal. I will keep vigil tonight by my candle flame as it lights a circle in the darkness and I will remind myself of my potential as a child of light. Perhaps I will even gather my courage to work with the Reiki energy that I have been afraid to work with directly since my attunement went so wrong. Perhaps it will simply be enough to cup my hands around that one simple flame as it burns away the darkness of my night. I will not know for sure. Whatever happens, I will bask in the spiritual community of those who will be lighting their own candles, burning away their own darkness.

Home Spirit

In my commitment to cleaning the house I am rediscovering a connection that I had long ignored. I am meeting the soul of our home as if for the first time - discovering that this home has a gentle and loving spirit of it's own. In some ways it is distracting, because it makes me feel as if I need to do it all at once since I have neglected it for so long. However, we are coming to an agreement that I will only do what I can and keep working at it to bring our spirits into an alliance instead of being at odds with one another.

We are still in the lurking stages; the feeling that someone besides myself is thrilled to clean and unclutter and reorganize the areas I work on. The feeling that someone else (and no, I don't mean my husband or mom) is breathing a sigh of relief as I try to return order from chaos. Knowing that some things are happening faster than I can do on my own; that ideas are coming from outside of myself to try things that I otherwise would never have thought of.

I realized that this must be the spirit of our house (or at least the resident spirits) after reading a book I picked up at the Library called Spirit of the Home by Jane Alexander. Some parts of the book seem a little out there at first, but it all makes sense on a deeper level for me. Perhaps I will be able to write about this journey to befriend my house as I go on.