This poem appeared in my life when I needed a reminder to look to one of my favorite teachers. Some spiritualities might say that the Oak is my totem or spirit tree. I just know that oaks are an important part of my life story, and they give me strength and peace.
"The Oak Tree"
A mighty wind blew night and day.
It stole the oak tree's leaves away,
Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
Until the oak was tired and stark.
But still the oak tree held its ground
While other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
"How can you still be standing, Oak?"
The oak tree said, "I know that you
Can break each branch of mine in two.
Carry every leaf away,
Shake my limbs, and make me sway.
But I have roots stretched in the earth,
Growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them, for you see,
They are the deepest part of me.
Until today, I wasn't sure
Of just how much I could endure.
But now I've found, with thanks to you,
I'm stronger than I ever knew."
- Anonymous
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Health in School
The beginning of this semester has been full of wonderful conversations with my classmates around keeping healthy while we are all in seminary. There have been many truisms that sound like platitudes: this is the time to learn how to take care of yourself before you have a parish to take care of; how can you model health if you do not have it yourself; and my personal favorite - this is not the time to get sick (!). Many of my classmates and I heard these throughout our first year together, and then again as the newest class began to join us, and we wondered what this meant for us and how to live it out faithfully and honestly.
I will admit that last year was all about the academics. And this year looks like it will be more of the same, with a healthy dash of hands-on field experience. But nowhere was there really room to make my health a priority. I am focused on preparing for the ministry God is calling me into, but ironically the physical readiness part of that has been left completely out of the picture.
This semester is going to be a difficult one. I have four classes that are challenging me in ways I never dreamed I would be stretched. I have, essentially, a part time job as a seminarian in my field education parish. But my "fifth class" - the one I would have audited - is one that I have to take as seriously as the others. Personal health and wellness. How do I not let me spiritual life get trampled in the crush of school and parish work? What about physical health - eating well and moving my body? How do I nourish myself so that I am giving generously out of an abundance of energy and love and not giving grudgingly out of a well run so dry that I can no longer function?
Perhaps it is this lesson in caring for myself in every way that is the foundation for all of what my classes will be teaching me. It is certainly an important lesson to learn.
I will admit that last year was all about the academics. And this year looks like it will be more of the same, with a healthy dash of hands-on field experience. But nowhere was there really room to make my health a priority. I am focused on preparing for the ministry God is calling me into, but ironically the physical readiness part of that has been left completely out of the picture.
This semester is going to be a difficult one. I have four classes that are challenging me in ways I never dreamed I would be stretched. I have, essentially, a part time job as a seminarian in my field education parish. But my "fifth class" - the one I would have audited - is one that I have to take as seriously as the others. Personal health and wellness. How do I not let me spiritual life get trampled in the crush of school and parish work? What about physical health - eating well and moving my body? How do I nourish myself so that I am giving generously out of an abundance of energy and love and not giving grudgingly out of a well run so dry that I can no longer function?
Perhaps it is this lesson in caring for myself in every way that is the foundation for all of what my classes will be teaching me. It is certainly an important lesson to learn.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Patriot's Day
Today is a rather poignant day. It isn't just another day, and as I have just completed some reflection papers that are introductions to various classes and am looking at resources for a class on Death and Dying with a special focus on Suicide, Violent and/or Sudden Death I am reminded of just how much my outlook on this day has changed in the last 11 years.
When the attacks first happened, I was more worried about how to get my mom (who was traveling and scheduled to fly) home than I was about any other immediate impact. It wasn't until days later that it truly sank in to me just how horrific this was. I was in Boston on the first anniversary of the attacks, and I appreciated just how much more deeply the Eastern region of our country was affected than the West Coast had been. Then I married a former soldier, and I began to have a glimmer of how it affected all of the veterans in our country to have seen us under attack, and to see how the gradual forgetting that we still have soldiers in the theater of war nagged at them in ways unsuspected by the general public. Then my husband returned to the Army and I began my journey toward Army Chaplaincy, and in a place where my very presence as a connection to the military can be awkward and upsetting I am now finding myself pondering the deeper effects of those attacks.
I find myself wondering how I can find time today to travel to a nearby military installation, to avoid the inevitable small conflicts that arise when I wear my identity as an Army Wife and Future Chaplain openly here in this place. My emotions are closer to the surface today, and I just want to be with others who share at least a little of my understanding of how these attacks are still fresh in so many ways in the spirits of those who serve in uniform. I want to be in a place where I am not made hyper-aware of how I am a target for those who are seeking to vent their frustrations with our government and its policies now and in the past just because I am called to serve those who serve. I am aware that today in particular I may be inviting more than the usual engagement with this community, and that I myself am unusually aware of the uniqueness of my presence and call in this setting.
Yet I am consciously and carefully dressed in a shirt and sweatshirt that proudly say United States Army. I hold my head high as I walk down the street and across campus. Today most especially. I am proud of our armed forces, and I am humbled that God is calling me to serve these heroes in whatever small way that I can.
When the attacks first happened, I was more worried about how to get my mom (who was traveling and scheduled to fly) home than I was about any other immediate impact. It wasn't until days later that it truly sank in to me just how horrific this was. I was in Boston on the first anniversary of the attacks, and I appreciated just how much more deeply the Eastern region of our country was affected than the West Coast had been. Then I married a former soldier, and I began to have a glimmer of how it affected all of the veterans in our country to have seen us under attack, and to see how the gradual forgetting that we still have soldiers in the theater of war nagged at them in ways unsuspected by the general public. Then my husband returned to the Army and I began my journey toward Army Chaplaincy, and in a place where my very presence as a connection to the military can be awkward and upsetting I am now finding myself pondering the deeper effects of those attacks.
I find myself wondering how I can find time today to travel to a nearby military installation, to avoid the inevitable small conflicts that arise when I wear my identity as an Army Wife and Future Chaplain openly here in this place. My emotions are closer to the surface today, and I just want to be with others who share at least a little of my understanding of how these attacks are still fresh in so many ways in the spirits of those who serve in uniform. I want to be in a place where I am not made hyper-aware of how I am a target for those who are seeking to vent their frustrations with our government and its policies now and in the past just because I am called to serve those who serve. I am aware that today in particular I may be inviting more than the usual engagement with this community, and that I myself am unusually aware of the uniqueness of my presence and call in this setting.
Yet I am consciously and carefully dressed in a shirt and sweatshirt that proudly say United States Army. I hold my head high as I walk down the street and across campus. Today most especially. I am proud of our armed forces, and I am humbled that God is calling me to serve these heroes in whatever small way that I can.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
It has been a while...
... since I have written. I know. Whatever happened to my discipline and keeping up the regular updates over the summer? For that matter, what happened to the summer?
Actually, this summer was quite unsettling for a person who likes to feel as if her roots are steady and solid. I actually had to print out a schedule months in advance to know where I was going to be, when I was going to be there. I think two or three weeks was the longest I ever managed to stay in one place at a time! I am grateful for the opportunities to spend a few days at a time with my husband and parents, to visit my home parish, and to move forward in the ordination/discernment process. I also spent 10 days in Indianapolis, representing my school at the General Convention of the Episcopal Church, and a week immersing myself in the experience that is Vacation Bible School at my Field Education parish.
I have been busy with hospitality for new residents and students who are going through Orientation this week, and then I dive into my classes on Tuesday. My schedule sounds straightforward, but there is a lot of reading and research involved in my classes. I am taking Christian Ethics in Anglican Tradition, Theology I: Introducing Practice, Introduction to Theological Field Education, and a Special Reading course examining the theology of suicide and sudden or violent death along with pastoral/ritual responses to such deaths and the threat of dying suddenly or violently. Looks easy, right?
I am truly looking forward to this semester, with only four classes plus my field education and extracurricular activities it should be quite busy and full. It feels good to be back in this community and in this place, though it also feels as if pieces are missing.
Actually, this summer was quite unsettling for a person who likes to feel as if her roots are steady and solid. I actually had to print out a schedule months in advance to know where I was going to be, when I was going to be there. I think two or three weeks was the longest I ever managed to stay in one place at a time! I am grateful for the opportunities to spend a few days at a time with my husband and parents, to visit my home parish, and to move forward in the ordination/discernment process. I also spent 10 days in Indianapolis, representing my school at the General Convention of the Episcopal Church, and a week immersing myself in the experience that is Vacation Bible School at my Field Education parish.
I have been busy with hospitality for new residents and students who are going through Orientation this week, and then I dive into my classes on Tuesday. My schedule sounds straightforward, but there is a lot of reading and research involved in my classes. I am taking Christian Ethics in Anglican Tradition, Theology I: Introducing Practice, Introduction to Theological Field Education, and a Special Reading course examining the theology of suicide and sudden or violent death along with pastoral/ritual responses to such deaths and the threat of dying suddenly or violently. Looks easy, right?
I am truly looking forward to this semester, with only four classes plus my field education and extracurricular activities it should be quite busy and full. It feels good to be back in this community and in this place, though it also feels as if pieces are missing.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Working Vacation
I am back home in the cottage after a lovely extended visit with my husband. Unfortunately, since I left immediately after the end of the school year, I am facing the aftermath of the last month or so of school when it seemed like all I did was eat, sleep, and work on papers or study for tests. Of course, that was on top of the mess left when my husband moved to his new Duty Station. So it is one crazy mess here in this cozy little cottage, and I am taking one day at a time to work on it slowly. Finding places to put things that makes sense when I am busy and don't want to take a lot of time to pick up all the time.
I am realizing just how much being a bi-locational couple has turned my world upside-down. It isn't that we weren't prepared. It is simply that as much as we talked about the possibility that we would be geographically separated at least once in both of our careers nothing can prepare you for the reality of what it is like. The sense of dislocation and emptiness after a visit together. The strangeness of rearranging your apartment to fit your "alone" life instead of the way it fits when there are two of you. Even having your "alone" life and your "together" life - having to have those different parts at all.
During the school year it was easy to focus on my ministry. In this pause I am facing the reality of the Army Wife side of myself. Learning this aspect of my walk that much more clearly. I had hoped it would be all about the Future Soldier side of me; that this Summer break would be about exercise and eating well. And in some ways it is. But it is far more about learning to be a soldier's wife who is also a future soldier and not a future soldier who happens to be a soldier's wife. Funny how there is such a distinction there. It looks like a matter of word order, but it is much deeper than that.
I will always be a soldier's wife. Soon I will be soldier, and lose the "future" in front of it. Therein lies the difference. Even when I am a seasoned Chaplain ministering in the Army many years from now I will still be a soldier's wife. That is a part of my self now, a part that influences how I read the news, how I prepare for my own life as a soldier, how I pray, how I engage with community and friends.
I hadn't realized the difference it made until we had to learn to live as a geographically separated couple. I look around me and I see couples happily all over each other and I swallow a stab of jealousy that I didn't even know existed. I see them everywhere. Couples walking hand in hand through the streets, sitting together in church, filling the restaurants and coffee shops I walk past in my neighborhood. Sometimes I just want to scream. I see them talking together and I think about how I have to wait until we can find a time when we both can be on the phone if I want to have even a simple conversation with my husband. I think about the letters I write when he is out it the field and there is no contact for days and weeks at a time. The text messages that can make my heart flutter just because they are a moment of connection for us - even the ones that just say Hello.
At school I know I am not the only one who is geographically separated from their spouse/partner/spartner/significant other/whatever you choose to call your other half. We can talk about it and encourage each other through the difficult days. I know that I am lucky to have a community that is understanding and supportive through this experience. It still hurts sometimes.
There are good sides to this aspect of our life together. I am forced to be fully independent. I have to squish my own spiders, change my own light bulbs, make sure the car is maintained, do everything to make sure that life continues to run smoothly. I have to think for myself and not always talk it over with my husband before making a decision. I am learning to accept the support of the community around me and to love that community as a family in a way that I had not understood before.
When Fr. Mike pointed out that I am on a Trinitarian Path, I agreed but didn't see that all three strands of my path were equal. I thought the Army Wife path was just a thread along the side of my Army Chaplain path. It certainly wasn't much in comparison to my Seminarian path. How wrong I was. It is just as important for me to be learning and experiencing as the other two.
I am realizing just how much being a bi-locational couple has turned my world upside-down. It isn't that we weren't prepared. It is simply that as much as we talked about the possibility that we would be geographically separated at least once in both of our careers nothing can prepare you for the reality of what it is like. The sense of dislocation and emptiness after a visit together. The strangeness of rearranging your apartment to fit your "alone" life instead of the way it fits when there are two of you. Even having your "alone" life and your "together" life - having to have those different parts at all.
During the school year it was easy to focus on my ministry. In this pause I am facing the reality of the Army Wife side of myself. Learning this aspect of my walk that much more clearly. I had hoped it would be all about the Future Soldier side of me; that this Summer break would be about exercise and eating well. And in some ways it is. But it is far more about learning to be a soldier's wife who is also a future soldier and not a future soldier who happens to be a soldier's wife. Funny how there is such a distinction there. It looks like a matter of word order, but it is much deeper than that.
I will always be a soldier's wife. Soon I will be soldier, and lose the "future" in front of it. Therein lies the difference. Even when I am a seasoned Chaplain ministering in the Army many years from now I will still be a soldier's wife. That is a part of my self now, a part that influences how I read the news, how I prepare for my own life as a soldier, how I pray, how I engage with community and friends.
I hadn't realized the difference it made until we had to learn to live as a geographically separated couple. I look around me and I see couples happily all over each other and I swallow a stab of jealousy that I didn't even know existed. I see them everywhere. Couples walking hand in hand through the streets, sitting together in church, filling the restaurants and coffee shops I walk past in my neighborhood. Sometimes I just want to scream. I see them talking together and I think about how I have to wait until we can find a time when we both can be on the phone if I want to have even a simple conversation with my husband. I think about the letters I write when he is out it the field and there is no contact for days and weeks at a time. The text messages that can make my heart flutter just because they are a moment of connection for us - even the ones that just say Hello.
At school I know I am not the only one who is geographically separated from their spouse/partner/spartner/significant other/whatever you choose to call your other half. We can talk about it and encourage each other through the difficult days. I know that I am lucky to have a community that is understanding and supportive through this experience. It still hurts sometimes.
There are good sides to this aspect of our life together. I am forced to be fully independent. I have to squish my own spiders, change my own light bulbs, make sure the car is maintained, do everything to make sure that life continues to run smoothly. I have to think for myself and not always talk it over with my husband before making a decision. I am learning to accept the support of the community around me and to love that community as a family in a way that I had not understood before.
When Fr. Mike pointed out that I am on a Trinitarian Path, I agreed but didn't see that all three strands of my path were equal. I thought the Army Wife path was just a thread along the side of my Army Chaplain path. It certainly wasn't much in comparison to my Seminarian path. How wrong I was. It is just as important for me to be learning and experiencing as the other two.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Where Am I?
So much has happened since I last wrote here! The semester has ended successfully, I interviewed and received my Ecclesiastical Endorsement for the Chaplain Candidate Program, and I have had a relaxing couple of weeks with my husband.
Finals week really took a lot out of me. I had been pushing to get everything completed before I flew to Washington D.C. for my interview and I barely made it. Fortunately most of my finals were take-home tests, with the exception being my New Testament final that began at 6:30 pm Tuesday night. I flew out at 6:00 Wednesday morning for D.C. and interviewed Thursday morning before flying back that afternoon so that I could be back at CDSP in time for graduation Friday morning!
When I landed I had a message from the Bishop Suffragan for Armed Services and Federal Ministries saying that he was glad to give me the Endorsement to enter the Chaplain Candidate Program contingent upon meeting physical standards for entry into the Army. This is a huge hurdle for me and one that confirms to me that I am indeed moving in the right direction to fulfill the call God has placed in my life. Of course, that also means that the pressure is truly on to get my physical fitness in order!
Graduation was amazing! It is essentially a Eucharist with a graduation thrown in where we might otherwise put a Baptism or Confirmation. St. Margaret's Courtyard was beautiful, the music was inspiring, and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it - even though my body was quite confused as to what time zone I might have been in.
I traveled to join my husband where he has been assigned a few days after the end of school. I needed to catch my breath! I have had a lovely time here resting and catching up on research for General Convention. I am looking forward to representing CDSP there in a few weeks.
As I said, so much has been happening! With faith I am moving forward and taking it all one step at a time.
Finals week really took a lot out of me. I had been pushing to get everything completed before I flew to Washington D.C. for my interview and I barely made it. Fortunately most of my finals were take-home tests, with the exception being my New Testament final that began at 6:30 pm Tuesday night. I flew out at 6:00 Wednesday morning for D.C. and interviewed Thursday morning before flying back that afternoon so that I could be back at CDSP in time for graduation Friday morning!
When I landed I had a message from the Bishop Suffragan for Armed Services and Federal Ministries saying that he was glad to give me the Endorsement to enter the Chaplain Candidate Program contingent upon meeting physical standards for entry into the Army. This is a huge hurdle for me and one that confirms to me that I am indeed moving in the right direction to fulfill the call God has placed in my life. Of course, that also means that the pressure is truly on to get my physical fitness in order!
Graduation was amazing! It is essentially a Eucharist with a graduation thrown in where we might otherwise put a Baptism or Confirmation. St. Margaret's Courtyard was beautiful, the music was inspiring, and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it - even though my body was quite confused as to what time zone I might have been in.
I traveled to join my husband where he has been assigned a few days after the end of school. I needed to catch my breath! I have had a lovely time here resting and catching up on research for General Convention. I am looking forward to representing CDSP there in a few weeks.
As I said, so much has been happening! With faith I am moving forward and taking it all one step at a time.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Time Flies...
Is it really just two weeks to graduation week? Oh, my. It seems like it was just a week ago that it was Holy Week madness and utter unpredictability. Now many of my big not-quite-finals-but-close projects are wrapping up and I am preparing for the end of the school year.
I still have one major paper - a 15 page doozy for History - and a presentation to create along with it, but otherwise the finals are looming.
The only upside to all of this is that I am suddenly finding a few moments within the crazy run of my days to catch my breath and enjoy the sunshine once again. Not to resent it for shining on my book-of-the-moment and blinding me in my homework reading, but to actually enjoy it. Fortunately, the sun is accommodating and is spending a significantly lower percentage of time hiding behind the clouds.
So now it is back to the research and writing, studying and memorizing, praying and running around!
I still have one major paper - a 15 page doozy for History - and a presentation to create along with it, but otherwise the finals are looming.
The only upside to all of this is that I am suddenly finding a few moments within the crazy run of my days to catch my breath and enjoy the sunshine once again. Not to resent it for shining on my book-of-the-moment and blinding me in my homework reading, but to actually enjoy it. Fortunately, the sun is accommodating and is spending a significantly lower percentage of time hiding behind the clouds.
So now it is back to the research and writing, studying and memorizing, praying and running around!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)