Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Wishcasting Wednesday - Accomplishments

Today's Wishcasting Wednesday question from Jamie is spot on!

What do you wish to accomplish?

I wish to accomplish developing routines that support and nourish me, and by extension, my family.

One of the healthiest times in my life was when I had a routine that was almost monastic in it's development and implementation. I loved knowing that each day would start and end in a specific way. I would have certain days to do certain tasks instead of rushing all over creation to get it all done today. I had time and energy left over to nourish myself more deeply and truly.

This is my goal and my wish - to find the spark within me again to develop a healthy routine for this stage of my life and to support myself with the familiarity and freedom it gives me.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Wishcasting Wednesday - Taking a Break

Today's Wishcasting Wednesday question from the lovely Jamie is

What do you wish to take a break from?

The very first thing that comes to mind is that I wish to take a break from all of this healing drama! I went in last week for a spinal tap that the neurologist decided he couldn't complete after all. I'm waiting to hear from the radiology department to reschedule and have it done under fluoroscope. In the meantime I have been set up for a consult with a surgeon about my gallbladder, I have broken a tooth, had more blood taken for testing, and am fed up with spending a lot of my time in doctor's offices.

I know that I have ignored myself for way too long, but to have it all come crashing down on me this way has been quite disheartening. Then I remind myself that I did invite it all by seeking Reiki training, though my first attunement came after much of this had already started. I just completed my first 21 days with Reiki 1 and am continuing to learn a great deal.

Which leads to another thing I need to take a break from - my head. I have taken my Reiki and tried to turn it into an intellectually understandable exercise. I've been devouring books on energy and psychic healing, chakra systems, auras, and all manner of other healing modalities. But all of that has been a cover for actually sitting down and using the energy and finding out what it means for me. I am burying myself in my head, seeking out what Reiki means to everyone else, then comparing myself to what I find. It isn't pretty.

Parts of my healing that come together, today I declare that I am taking a break from focusing on my medical issues and trying to live only in my head. What are you taking a break from?

P.S. I am wishing heartily for each of you, even though I am still having difficulty spending much time on the computer and reading or commenting.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Anger and Gallstones

I have been working on issues of swallowing anger and injustice and letting it sit inside festering into bitterness. I've known I have a temper issue for a while, but it took this most recent diagnosis of gallstones to really make me take a look at what is going on. Who does it hurt more when I choke back any expression of hurt and upset? Certainly not the person or system I am hiding it from. I am not advocating just flying off the handle, either. That is equally dangerous. I am learning, however, to stop being afraid of powerful, just anger in myself.

Screaming into a pillow or punching the daylights out of some poor inanimate object is still something that a part of me cringes in shame and fear at. So my poor husband listens patiently as I rant and rave and pace through the house, or I go to my journal and pour out my hurt and anger onto the page in words that I may or may not understand later. It is a start.

The hardest part is what to do when I have physically expressed my feelings but there is still a physical sensation of helplessness and terror inside of me. The part that wants to hide from all of the white hot intensity of my rage. The part that was the white hot rage and has cooled and deflated until it doesn't know itself anymore. The part that is still hurt by what was done or said but is not angry. Just hurt and sad.

I like to think that I can simply curl my arms around myself, give myself a Reiki self-treatment, and let it go. But it stays. It is hidden in the smallest parts of my, like mold or mildew that slowly multiplies undetected until I burst out from it's hidden den and back into my awareness with it's illness.

Removing my gallbladder will remove the stones of a lifetime of bitterness accumulated unawares, but it cannot remove the emotional residue left behind by that bitterness. That is up to me.

It seems that daily I am made to face this issue now. My husband still works for the same people who betrayed me so deeply last June, and I want to protect him from their deceit and underhanded ways. He struggles so hard on the side of God and Justice and they are constantly creating lies and crises he must deal with. It hurts me deeply to see from the outside what they must have done to me as they built up to that final betrayal that still cuts me like a knife. I am bitter and angry with myself for not being able to function through the physical pain I am in, as if I could break through to the other side if only I try hard enough or push myself far enough. I resent my current position of "weakness" - being unable to work outside of the home, being unable to bring my home out of chaos and into a place of refuge and peace, being in so much pain and so tired.

Daily I lift up the whole thing to God, asking for guidance and help. With my health struggles, I seek to make it through the day without another crisis. To hold up my end of the bargain and pull my own weight. But the bitterness intrudes even in my moments of peace.

I am actually looking forward to the gallbladder surgery. The cessation of the constant pain will be a blessing. Rather like looking forward to the Lumbar Puncture. I know that there will be pain following it, but after that acute pain heals I will be out from under my current burden of constant dull, dragging, draining physical pain.

So I do what I can do. I write. I fold the laundry. I do a small bit here and there as I can. I let myself cry in frustration even when it makes my headache and vision worse. I seek answers within myself and with God. I crawl into God's lap and curl up there, waiting for the healing that I have been promised. Taking the small steps as I am shown them that add up to a larger whole.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Let's Try This Again

I am thankful I have a wise neurologist. We started the lumbar puncture yesterday but he was unable to get the needle where it needed to go. There were several tries, but it just would not get to a place where he could feel safe completing the procedure. So now I have a very tender lower back where the muscles and ligaments protested the intrusion of a large needle and a wait for Radiology to call to schedule a time for me to go to the hospital to have the procedure done under Fluoroscope.

There is certainly a sense of deflation that it has not been done, as I had spent a great deal of time preparing myself for the follow up and after care that I knew I would need and now I must start the waiting and build up process over again.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Today's Procedure and a Blog Break

Today I will be seeing my neurologist for a lumbar puncture, also called a spinal tap. I had no idea that a spinal tap was anything other than a really loud band that I never listened to until I had to experience my first one 9 years ago. It is not a difficult procedure, but one that can have some pretty serious complications if it is not done properly.

Essentially, I will be going to the neurologists office where he will be inserting a large hollow needle between two vertebrae and into the spinal sac in my lower back. First, he will check the pressure of the fluid and then decide if any needs to be drained off in addition to the small amount needed to be sent to the lab for analysis. Once the needle is removed, I will need to stay very flat for as long as it takes for the little hole to stop leaking and heal over. It is this leak that causes the headaches that I am known to have had with past procedures.

For a better explanation, you can visit this link. It goes into really deep detail, though.

I will be away from my computer and lounging flat on my back in a pillow less bed for a few days in any case, but hope that this one will heal quickly for me. My last one took me 14 days to be able to sit up again without excruciating pain. See why I've been trying to put this off? Unfortunately, a lumbar puncture is the only way to make a definitive diagnosis of Intracranial Hypertension so here I am.

I am looking forward to some resolution from this. It should give us some answers as to my headaches and vision disturbances, and to know where to go from here. In addition, it will hopefully create a baseline record to work with in establishing or disproving the diagnosis of Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension that I have lived with for the last 9 years.

Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated. Thank you! I hope to be back to my usual lurking and occasional commenting on your blogs soon!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Wishcasting Wednesday - Pay Attention

Today's Wishcasting Wednesday question from Jamie is

What do you wish to pay attention to?

With my work that I am doing with Reiki I and preparing for Reiki II in April, I wish to pay attention to my intuition, my guides, my angels, and most of all to myself. I have been learning incredible and amazing things about healing and moving toward my highest good these last 17 days since my Level I attunement, and I know that it is because I have been paying attention.

Tomorrow I have a Lumbar Puncture, also known as a Spinal Tap, to attempt to diagnose this health condition I have been struggling with. I am rather dreading it, as the last two times I have experienced this procedure I have been flat on my back with the worlds worst headache for 9-14 days. I have been preparing with extra Reiki self treatments and plenty of affirmations and visualizations, but there is certainly still some apprehension. I am paying attention to what my body is telling me, and working with those concerns as I look toward my continuing healing.

I continue to have difficulty with my eyes and computers, that is part of what the spinal is for, so please know that I am wishing heartily for each of you even if I can only leave a brief message on your blogs.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Update for Friday

Just a quick update (unless I start rambling, which is a distinct possibility!) for today. It looks like posts will continue to be sparse around here for a couple of weeks longer, as I am preparing to undergo an MRI and Spinal Tap next week (Monday and Thursday). In the past I have not had a great recovery time for Spinal Taps - think 9-14 days flat on my back, unable to lift my head, with an agonizing headache - but have great hope that with this doctor and his understanding of the Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension recurrence that we suspect and are creating a baseline for diagnosis of things will go better. Also at some point in the near future I will be meeting with a surgeon to discuss the removal of my gallbladder, which is apparently quite full of some really nasty stones. The diagnosis is not new to me - I have known about having gallstones for 5 or so years now but have kept the attacks under control with diet and exercise. Unfortunately they have now grown to the point where that is no longer an option. Ugh.

With Lent being nearly over, I must confess that all of this medical stuff has been an important part of my Lenten discipline of taking steps on the path of learning to truly love myself. I find that I have neglected and denied my physical self and needs for so long that now I am paying the price. It seems overwhelming that it is all coming at once, but I know that having opened the door, everything is rushing in because my body can no longer prioritize the pain and needs that it has. Working slowly through this, especially with the use of Reiki, has been an amazing experience so far. Yes, I do still get really depressed about it. I have had my share of "if this is what I truly am, just take me out and shoot me now!" moments. In the end, I know that I will be healthier, clearer, wiser, and more compassionate. The journey, however, is not an easy one.

I find that in embracing the 21 day self-healing portion of my Reiki 1 training, I am getting a better grip of how the Reiki energy is working on me. I would have expected it to go to the physical level of the dis-ease that I am manifesting, but although I find that it has an effect on it, that is not the primary level of work. Neither is the emotional level, though it has done wonders for me at that point. The energy seems to be working at the very deepest spiritual levels to find the lessons that I need to learn in order to not repeat these physical issues. Most of them are lessons that have appeared in my life numerous times. I would pat each issue on the head saying, "oh, look! I need to deal with (name the issue)! Isn't it cute?" and then shove it back under the rug and tell myself that I had dealt with it sufficiently. Hah!

While I believe that I must treat the physical illnesses, I do believe that there are deeper lessons and issues tied to them and that in order to heal these chronic issues I must work on the deeper levels even as I work on the physical level. It certainly isn't easy, and I find my dreams and unguarded moments full of thoughts of things that I had thought were long gone and dealt with. It can be very difficult at times, but I know that this time I am aware enough to take each one to God for counsel, learning, and ultimately, healing. I may not be strong enough to see or acknowledge the complexity and enormity of some issues, but I am doing what I can with what I have, and that is enough. God is with me and will give me what I can handle.

Enough rambling! Have a pleasant day, and I hope to be back soon!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Wishcasting Wednesday - No

Today, Jamie asks the Wishcasting Community

What do you wish to say no to?

On a personal level, I wish to say no to the apathy that feels like a threatening fog waiting to envelop me as I struggle through this phase of my illness. I have been dealing so long with the daily questioning of "how are you?" and "can you function today?" not only from myself but from those around me who are concerned, that I sometimes wish I could just roll over and give in to the symptoms that oppress me. I know that thinking like that only makes it worse, but expressing it helps me to deal with it. I have the tools to help me, but they cannot clear the energy completely yet, and so I still struggle daily to maintain my use of those tools - Reiki, positive thinking, Healing Touch, meditation.

With this personal drama going on, I also wish to say no to the negativity and attacks on my husband and his work. The same people who attacked me last June are doing their best to do the same thing to him. Fortunately, he learned from my experiences and has been able to see the web of lies and deceit that they are attempting to weave. Unfortunately he has been cutting through the lies and showing them the truth which only upsets them more because they cannot stand the good and they attack harder. All of this from the county-wide leadership of a Christian denomination. Sometimes it makes me wonder how I can still be a Christian in any sense, even if my definition of Christianity is different from theirs (thank any and all gods out there for that!).

So I wish to say no to the defeatist attitudes, the negativity, the dark clouds of depression, the attacking evil of others under evil influences, and all manner of That Which Is Not Good; we are children of Light and we live in the Light.

P.S. I still have difficulty working for long on a computer so please know that I am commenting as I can and wishing with all my heart for each of you, even if I cannot make it to your blog or if my comment is short.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Wishcasting Wednesday - Time

This week's Wishcasting Wednesday Question from Jamie of Jamie Ridler Studios is a really good one:

What do you wish to make time for?

This one is difficult on so many levels for me! Much of it comes down to health and energy levels rather than time, though when I had the health and energy to do be able to do more I had a few things I struggled to schedule. So I will go back (or ahead) to when I am healthy again with this wish!

I wish to make time for my house and myself. I have always resented the time it will take to bring my house out of chaos and into order, and then the amount of time that it takes to keep it orderly and happy. Of course, it is a form of self care for me because the better my house feels the better I feel. Which leads to the second part of my wish, to have time to take care of myself. I need to exercise more, cook nourishing foods, and in general do the things that will keep me healthy and whole. Of course, there are things that I would rather be doing, but these are important ones to me.

I have been trying to see this time of enforced stillness as if it were time spent in the seed, waiting to be ready to start fresh and to live more authentically. After my Reiki I attunement this past Sunday I feel that I am on the right track to blossoming into my authentic self. Perhaps as I continue to grow and bloom I will discover the lessons that are within this illness that I am trying to learn as I seek to return to health.

P.S. As I still am not much better on time I can spend looking at a computer screen, please know that I would love to be able to write more as I comment and wish with you on your blogs but that I am wishing deeply for each you even if all I can leave is a sentence!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Happy St. David's Day

If you are Welsh you will know this as a day of Welsh National pride and history. If not, just sit back and enjoy the explosion of daffodil joy as we welcome March!

Yesterday I had a beautiful day getting my level 1 Reiki attunement. I am studying through Judy Knoll of The Healing Center of San Diego, who is an excellent teacher.

I am finding it hard to put into words what Level 1 has already done for me. My energy level is much higher than it has been, although my symptoms have not been completely alleviated. I came home last night and had the energy to stand in the kitchen with my husband, talking nonstop, while he cooked. I haven't done that in months. Lately it has been all I could do to sit quietly in my corner of the couch in our living room with the lights dimmed while he did the cooking. We laughed a lot - something else that has been missing from my life lately. I am also finding my outlook on life has improved. The depression that was weighing my spirit down has become a lighter burden to walk with.

In the coming days I will be journaling with this journey of developing my Reiki. There is a 21 day cleansing/opening/adjusting process as I give myself daily treatments and work on treating others. Most of the journaling will be private, but I plan on sharing a bit here, too. There is so much for me to learn, and I know that Reiki has much to teach me. I can feel the joy waiting for me to grow enough to embrace it fully.

And this morning the coyotes sang for me!