Friday, March 12, 2010

Update for Friday

Just a quick update (unless I start rambling, which is a distinct possibility!) for today. It looks like posts will continue to be sparse around here for a couple of weeks longer, as I am preparing to undergo an MRI and Spinal Tap next week (Monday and Thursday). In the past I have not had a great recovery time for Spinal Taps - think 9-14 days flat on my back, unable to lift my head, with an agonizing headache - but have great hope that with this doctor and his understanding of the Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension recurrence that we suspect and are creating a baseline for diagnosis of things will go better. Also at some point in the near future I will be meeting with a surgeon to discuss the removal of my gallbladder, which is apparently quite full of some really nasty stones. The diagnosis is not new to me - I have known about having gallstones for 5 or so years now but have kept the attacks under control with diet and exercise. Unfortunately they have now grown to the point where that is no longer an option. Ugh.

With Lent being nearly over, I must confess that all of this medical stuff has been an important part of my Lenten discipline of taking steps on the path of learning to truly love myself. I find that I have neglected and denied my physical self and needs for so long that now I am paying the price. It seems overwhelming that it is all coming at once, but I know that having opened the door, everything is rushing in because my body can no longer prioritize the pain and needs that it has. Working slowly through this, especially with the use of Reiki, has been an amazing experience so far. Yes, I do still get really depressed about it. I have had my share of "if this is what I truly am, just take me out and shoot me now!" moments. In the end, I know that I will be healthier, clearer, wiser, and more compassionate. The journey, however, is not an easy one.

I find that in embracing the 21 day self-healing portion of my Reiki 1 training, I am getting a better grip of how the Reiki energy is working on me. I would have expected it to go to the physical level of the dis-ease that I am manifesting, but although I find that it has an effect on it, that is not the primary level of work. Neither is the emotional level, though it has done wonders for me at that point. The energy seems to be working at the very deepest spiritual levels to find the lessons that I need to learn in order to not repeat these physical issues. Most of them are lessons that have appeared in my life numerous times. I would pat each issue on the head saying, "oh, look! I need to deal with (name the issue)! Isn't it cute?" and then shove it back under the rug and tell myself that I had dealt with it sufficiently. Hah!

While I believe that I must treat the physical illnesses, I do believe that there are deeper lessons and issues tied to them and that in order to heal these chronic issues I must work on the deeper levels even as I work on the physical level. It certainly isn't easy, and I find my dreams and unguarded moments full of thoughts of things that I had thought were long gone and dealt with. It can be very difficult at times, but I know that this time I am aware enough to take each one to God for counsel, learning, and ultimately, healing. I may not be strong enough to see or acknowledge the complexity and enormity of some issues, but I am doing what I can with what I have, and that is enough. God is with me and will give me what I can handle.

Enough rambling! Have a pleasant day, and I hope to be back soon!

No comments: